John Montgomery Presents This Week's	December 25, 1999	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Christmas Wish List
	How The Creeps Ought To Be In The Next Century

Dear Santa,
You must be pretty burned out from hauling that Pokemon crap all over the world last night, but we gotta talk. It's not too soon to be thinking about 2000 and I have a few small requests. I'm tempted to ask for a Creep-less century, but then what would I write about every week? And who would run for president? No, it's better to have a few Creeps running around causing trouble so the rest of us have some bad examples to compare ourselves against.

So, if you don't mind, I have a few suggestions for how it should all play out. OK, Big Guy? Ho Ho Ho? I'll make the list, you check it twice.

1. Any kid with a gun who wants to walk into a school and start shooting people should be allowed to kill A) The guy who gave him the gun and B) Himself. In that order. That will resolve the problem pretty quickly.
2. If Eric and Dylan have any more hidden video tapes, pictures, web sites or even autographs they pissed into the snow, let's bury them along with their sorry souls.
3. OJ Simpson should look for his wife's killer on a golf course in Egypt and take EgyptAir to get there.
4. Let's make sure somebody gets charged with JonBenet Ramsey's murder. Richard Jewell, Dan Quayle, Martha Stewart - I don't care.
5. Rae Carruth - meet Jack Kevorkian.

1. Attention Al Gore and Bill Bradley: Please don't have any more debates. The excruciating boredom is killing me. Health care, education, campaign reform - I can't stand it! This is a presidential campaign, for Christ sakes! Let's see some excitement! Would one of you please find a nice young girl (or boy) to hump? That's what Democrats are supposed to do!
2. We need to nominate one of the Republican presidential candidates to knock that smug smirk off George W. Bush's face. The next time George starts in on that "Jesus Christ saved me from a life as a cocaine addict" rap, if John McCain were to walk over and knock a few of Dubya's teeth out, I'd be a fan for life.
3. Speaking of fist fights, instead of competing for the Reform party presidential nomination, Pat Buchanan and Donald Trump should get into the ring (with Jesse Ventura as referee) and duke it out for Arrogant Asshole of the Year Award.
4. Rudy and Hillary - Keep up the good work. Don't change a thing.
5. And Bill, we miss ya. He didn't get laid all year.

1. On January 1, someone should get a message to those Y2K survivalists in their forest hideaways that they were right, things are really bad and not to come out until they hear from us that it's safe. Deliver the message about once a month from then on.
2. All college and pro athletes should have to take random intelligence and emotional normality checks. Any whose tests reveal them to be bigoted rednecks (e.g. John Rocker) or dangerous morons (e.g. Orlando Brown) will have to spend the time between games locked up in a cage with a diet limited to raw meat and valium.
3. Regis rides his "Millionaire" quiz show to become the biggest TV star of the new millennium and dumps Kathie Lee.
4. Jerry Falwell is revealed to be a Tinky Winky loving closet queen.
5. And most importantly, let's envision the happy day when Linda Tripp's bountiful buns see the inside of a jail cell.