John Montgomery Presents This Week's	November 20, 1999	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Gameel el-Batouty
	Dive Bomb Like An Egyptian

Afraid of flying? You have good reason to be. Here's just a small sampling of the things you have to worry about when you fly the friendly skies these days:

• Cold, disgusting food
• Getting stuck in the middle seat between an overweight, snoring businessman with long ear hair and a snot-nosed ten-year-old who won't shut up until you look at every one of his Pokemon cards
• Haughty, condescending flight attendants
• Flushing one of those vacuum toilets and getting sucked in and tossed out into the ozone with your pants down
• Having your head smashed in by a 200-pound piece of luggage which was dropped by a 100-pound lady trying to stuff it into the overhead compartment directly above you

Three weeks ago, EgyptAir flight 990, flying from New York to Cairo, crashed into the Atlantic ocean near the Massachusetts coast, killing all 217 passengers. There was no explanation for the incident until the flight data recorders were found. The analysis of those tapes provides evidence for the following scenario: Gameel el-Batouty, 59, the back-up pilot assigned to take over later in the flight, asks to fly sooner. The pilot, Captain Ahmed Mahmoud el-Habashy, agrees and steps out of the cockpit. Gameel, alone at the wheel, mutters in Arabic, "Tawakilt ala Allah," which means (depending on who you ask) something along the lines of, "I made my decision now. I put my faith in God's hands." He then turns off the autopilot and the Boeing 767 begins a steep descent.

Shortly thereafter, the pilot comes back in and makes another Arabic statement which means (no matter who you ask), "What in the blazing land of Pharaoh are you doing, you faith-addled, camel-humping dickhead?" Gameel and the captain struggle for control of the plane, causing one of the elevators on the tail into the "nose down" angle and the other into "nose up". Then the aircraft's engines get turned off and it's back to King Tut's tomb for all aboard.

Now, the standard disclaimers: The analysis of the flight recorders is not complete. The FBI has not yet taken control of the investigation as they would if they believed a crime was committed. Maybe Gameel didn't say he'd made his decision. And finally, everyone in Egypt believes this cockamamie suicide theory is a lame cover-up for the real story which is that an American missile shot down the plane because there were 33 Egyptian officers aboard and if they had lived they would have been a threat to Israel, and you can just bet Bill Clinton's dick had something to do with it, too.

We're now in the midst of an Egyptian point, American counterpoint game to explain the crash. It's becoming so bad that it's impeding the investigation and threatening diplomatic relations between the two countries:

Egyptian Point: Gameel had no reason to kill himself. He was rich and had a loving family.
American Counterpoint: He was being forced to retire, his daughter had lupus, and he was still pissed off about the Bangles song, "Walk Like An Egyptian".

Egyptian Point: As a Muslim, Gameel was strictly forbidden to commit suicide.
American Counterpoint: Has anyone ever told that to Hamas, who strap bombs to their bodies and set them off in public where they can blast themselves and as many Jews as possible into eternity?

Egyptian Point: Muslims frequently say prayers and invoke the name of Allah in all kinds of situations, just like Christians say, "'Oh, Jesus."
American Counterpoint: I don't know about you, but I say "Oh, Jesus" when that amateur comedian at work makes one of his sophomoric comments that no one thinks is funny but him, or when I go out to the parking lot and find out that some flaming asshole has dented in my fender, not when I'm about to kill myself along with 217 innocent people.

To my trained nose, Gameel and his defenders smell fishy. Fishy and all wet. As fishy and wet as those 217 bodies at the bottom of the ocean. While these wise men sort the whole thing out, the rest of us ought to think about taking the bus instead. Better check the ID and religious beliefs of the bus driver first, though.

Oh, Jesus!