John Montgomery Presents This Week's	October 23, 1999	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Ken Starr
	Reported Missing - If Found, Do Not Return

In the end, he disappeared into the night without a trace, having tossed himself onto the historical trash heap of incompetent losers by means of his own slimy tactics and lecherous writings. When Ken Starr left town, there were no brass bands, no ticker tape parades, not even a good-bye party with beer and pizza. Ken just faded away, slinking back into the hole he crawled out of in 1994, like the sleazy weasel he is.

After a five-year, $47 million investigation into every aspect of Bill and Hillary Clinton's personal, business and (especially) sexual lives, this week Ken Starr resigned his Independent Counsel position and turned it over to one of his assistants. What did we get for our money? 14 convictions of low level participants in the Whitewater affair, which nobody ever understood, including the two most blatant examples of Ken's frightening methods: Webster Hubbell and Susan McDougal. Ken indicted them multiple times and also imprisoned them both in a sadistic and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to squeeze them for some damaging information about the Clintons. Both Webb and Susan are now out of jail, broke and broken, but neither of them ever had anything to say about Bill or Hillary.

If that were Ken's only legacy, it would still be enough to justify the massive loathing and scorn he's earned for himself. But you know the only thing he's going to be remembered for: Monica. Panic-stricken that his Whitewater, Travelgate, Filegate, and Vince Foster Murdergate investigations had failed to turn up any evidence of Clinton wrongdoing, Ken launched into Bill's sexual exploits like a bug-eyed Boy Scout ogling his first Playboy fold out. Sex! Perjury! Oval Office Blow Jobs! "Finally," Ken reckoned, "Here's something that everyone will understand! I'll write about this in such erotic detail that they'll all be clamoring for Bill's ass! I'll be a hero!" One can just picture Ken, horned-up, squinty-eyed and buck-toothed, sitting naked in a dark room listening to Linda Tripp's tapes and playing with himself all night long. The reason it took Ken so long to finish that report was that he wrote the whole thing one-handed.

You remember what happened next. Ken went public with every tongue, thong, cigar, erection and ejaculation he could find. The public was disgusted, just like Ken predicted. But it was disgusted with Ken and his petty, narrow-minded, politically-driven vendetta. Bill's approval ratings hit record highs. He was acquitted by the US Senate. Ken mumbled a few things about Kathleen Willey and unfinished business, but he was bludgeoned, battered and beaten.

In his resignation letter, Ken complained about the "intense politicization" of his investigation and bemoaned the "unfortunate personalization of the process, in particular in the wake of the inherently divisive impeachment proceedings." Right, Ken. You'd have an easier time finding Jimmy Hoffa than you would finding anyone who feels sorry for you. Intense politicization? Who was a lifelong Republican and consultant to Paula Jones before becoming the "Independent" Counsel? And what about that "personalization during the impeachment" rap? Wasn't it you who held daily, self-serving, prissy press conferences in your driveway and who appeared before congress with an impassioned plea to impeach Clinton?

They hired Ken to nail Bill and Hillary to the cross. But somehow he managed to crucify himself. And there won't be anyone praying for a resurrection.