John Montgomery Presents This Week's	October 16, 1999	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Boulder Police and District Attorney
	If You're Going To Colorado, Be Sure To Kill Some People While You're There

Listen up all you killer wannabees - here's how you can send the victim of your choice into the afterlife and get away scot-free! Follow this easy, ten-step process:

1. Move to Boulder, Colorado.
2. Find someone you don't like and whack 'em!
3. If you want to perform some sexual abuse while you're at it, go ahead! Enjoy yourself! The police in Boulder won't know whether it happened or not, much less who did it.
4. Hide the body, but don't work up a sweat. No one's going to be looking for it but you.
5. Call the cops and tell them the dead person got kidnapped! They'll never suspect a thing!
6. When they arrive at the scene of the crime, offer to search the place yourself. Unescorted!
7. Go pick up the body where you left it and bring it back to the cops, saying, "Damn! Look what I found!"
8. Afterwards, spend a lot of time getting your picture taken going to church and being consoled by your minister.
9. When the police and the district attorney start asking questions, look indignant and declare rudely, "Piss off, pound salt and go fornicate! I'm appalled that anyone would think that I would be involved in such a hideous, heinous crime. I'm a millionaire!"
10. When they back off and tell you, "OK, you can go now, but don't leave town" - leave town.

What happened? It's been a bevy of botched boners from the beginning. The police failed to secure the crime scene properly. DA Alex (he's pictured above, a dead ringer for Martin Mull) and the police didn't have enough fingers to point at suspects because they were all pointed at each other. The lead police detective resigned from the Boulder Police Department, accusing Alex of "crippling" the case by sucking up to the Ramseys and their lawyers. A month later, one of Alex's special investigators quit, accusing him of conducting a vendetta against the poor, innocent Ramseys. John and Patricia took advantage of all the confusion by moving to Atlanta and refusing to cooperate with any of these buffoonish bozos.

But don't think the wheels of justice have come to a screeching halt. Alex says, "We still have forensic evidence we are working on." Police Chief Mark Beckner says, "We still have things to do, still have evidence that is being processed and examined." John and Patricia say they will continue to look for their child's murderer.

Doesn't that sound just a bit familiar? Next month, John will be competing with OJ Simpson in the "Find The Real Killer Support Group Golf Tournament."

And if you're not gagging and retching yet, stick this down your throat: Colorado Governor Bill Owens says he will decide within a week whether to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate further. A special prosecutor! I think we've been here before. There's only one man for a job like that: the soon-to-be-unemployed Ken Starr! Ken will start by immediately writing a report detailing the sexual positions favored by every participant in the case. Besides that, Alex and the police have only spent a paltry two million dollars so far. Ken spends that much just getting his first hard-on of the day.

So be sure to leave a cigar at the crime scene. Ken likes that.