John Montgomery Presents This Week's	October 2, 1999	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Linda Tripp
	Would You Invade This Woman's Privacy?

I've been writing about Creeps for nearly four years. During that time, I've chronicled the antics of murderers, child molesters, corrupt politicians, religious fanatics and every other form of miscellaneous human trash. Yep, I've sifted through the worst our species has to offer, but I've never encountered a more reprehensible and repulsive creature than Linda Tripp.

Many of you have undoubtedly used a variety of psychological tricks to purge your mind of any trace of this odious, onerous and obscene woman. At the risk of sending you screaming in agony straight to the vomitorium, allow me to refresh those repressed memories. Linda secretly tape recorded phone conversations with Monica Lewinsky, who thought she was confiding in a friend. The subject of those conversions was, of course, Monica's sexual encounters with one William J. Clinton, President of the US. Cackling with delight, Linda turned the tapes over to Ken Starr, who plunged the entire country into a year-long, voyeuristic orgy.

Quite ironically, it was Linda who became the only person in that whole disgusting mess to be indicted. It turns out that it was illegal for her to make those tape recordings. She could get five years in the pokey. And that's as it should be. Monica's behavior was stupid and naive. Bill's was immoral and gross. But Linda's actions were brutally vicious, cruel, vindictive and Judas-like. You'd think now she'd spend her energy doing something productive for humanity, like planning her welcome home party in hell.

But she's only just begun to turn our stomachs.

This week, Linda hoisted her lard-stuffed ass into Federal Court to sue the White House and the Defense Department because they violated her privacy. In case you didn't catch that, let me repeat it: Violated her privacy. VIOLATED HER PRIVACY!  Ms. "Turn your friend in to the Feds and make every aspect of her emotional and sexual life public because you're jealous of her and you hate Bill Clinton and you're ready to write a tell-all book" is now crying that someone tried to smear her reputation by spreading "embarrassing or damaging information ... for partisan political purposes." Linda wants to be compensated for "harm to reputation and emotional distress and humiliation." How can someone as repugnant as Linda sue someone else for causing her humiliation?

Here's her complaint: The White House leaked the story that when she applied for her job at the Defense Department, she stated that she'd never been arrested. Linda sort of forgot that when she was a teenager, she got picked up on charges of grand larceny for stealing $263 in cash and a $600 watch. She claims the items were "planted" in her handbag by her "friends" as part of a teen-age prank. Evidently, for quite some time, Linda has had some strange ideas about how friends are supposed to treat each other.

What now? You think she has any friends left? Would you tell her your innermost thoughts on the phone? Linda's going to have to make some changes to get back into people's good graces. Anyone's good graces. Here are a few suggestions for how Linda could use her dreadful combination of betrayal, mendacity and ugliness to fix a few of the world's problems:

• She could single-handedly resolve the "Virgin Mary and elephant dung painting" controversy in New York by substituting her own picture for Mary's. Who would complain? Who would puke?
• Presidential candidate Gary Bauer got accused of having an affair with one of his female assistants. He needs to find an aide who no one could possibly suspect he was diddling. Can you think of anyone like that?
• Diana Ross needs someone with a linebacker's build to run interference for her while going through security in airports.
• In Japan, they need some people to do radiation cleanup. With a bucket and a mop. And while Linda's over there,
• Four words: Sumo wrestler, heavyweight division.