John Montgomery Presents This Week's	September 25, 1999	Creep Logo by Alan Fraser
	Pat Buchanan
	It's My Party And I'll Go Bye-Bye If I Want To

Why would you ever want to hang out with a big-mouthed, ill-tempered, bigoted bully who has a chip on his shoulder and a bug up his ass? He'd have to have some really important redeeming features to make up for all that obnoxiousness. Maybe he's good with his fists and you want to have him around in case you get into a barroom brawl. Could be that he's got a lot of equally obnoxious friends and you can't stand the thought of pissing them off. More likely, you just don't have the balls to tell him to hit the road and get the hell out of your life.

The Republican party is going through exactly that dilemma in trying to figure out what to do about Pat Buchanan. Pat has been upsetting the GOP apple cart by running for the party's nomination since 1992. That year, he received 37 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary against then-President George Bush and went on to give a hair-raising, hate-filled diatribe at the Republican convention which caused bed pans and toilet bowls of both parties to overflow. The result of that election was President Bill Clinton, and many Republicans blamed Pat. Four years later, he won the primary in New Hampshire, effectively derailing Bob Dole's campaign before it even started.

What makes Pat so popular? He's not afraid to say what's been festering inside his mind. That happens to be the very definition of the angry, white male. He thinks there are too many black and brown people entering the country. Greek-Americans, African-Americans and other "hyphenates" (even Armenian-Americans) are too outspoken on foreign policy. And we can't forget Pat's favorite targets - Jews. They have too much influence. Congress is "Israeli occupied territory." Hitler was misunderstood. Bagels are too tough on his dentures.

This year, Pat's back at it, but he hasn't been nearly as successful. At last month's Iowa straw poll, Pat came in fifth, behind such luminaries as Steve Forbes and Gary Bauer, both of whom are going for the same extreme right-wing votes that Pat believes are his. In a recent Gallop poll of Republicans, Pat finished in sixth place with 3 percent of the vote.  What's going on? George W. Bush, of course; he of the $50 million in donations and 45 percent party backing. Those Republican boys smell a winner, and it's got an odor like Texas oil, not warmed-over, half-baked flatulence.

Pat's not having any of that. "Now the establishment is telling us who we must nominate again, and they had a coronation set up with George Bush," he complains. He says that George "agrees with Clinton and Gore on all these issues," and his party is a "Xerox copy" of the Democrats. Then Pat does his rendition of Hillary's "vast right-wing conspiracy" victim shtick: "It's a very big, powerful world out there that wants to keep me away from the presidency."

So Pat's ready for drastic action. "To hell with all of you! I'm leaving! Did you hear me? I'm outta here. To the Reform party! Someplace where I'll be appreciated! I won't officially make up my mind until October, so you have plenty of time to grovel and try to talk me out of it, but I'm serious! I'm going! I've got one foot out the door! Hey! I'm talking to you!"

Pat's doors haven't exactly been torn off their hinges by fellow party members rushing to change his mind. Most of the other GOP presidential candidates have given the standard mealy-mouthed statement that it sure would be glad to keep Pat in the fold, but you know Pat. Only Arizona Senator John McCain has shown any fortitude on this subject, basically telling Pat to get his xenophobic, misogynistic, Jew-hating, gay-bashing butt out the door before John shoves a shotgun and both feet up it.

What's Pat got to look forward to? Over in the Reform Party, (which appears to be a refuge for the likes of Ross Perot, Jesse Ventura, Donald Trump, Warren Beatty and anyone else who's emotionally unsuited for either of the other two parties) they look at Pat as some kind of circus freak. Interesting and entertaining, for sure, but not someone you'd want to invite into your living room. If he manages to get their nomination, Pat will quickly become a sideshow, providing us with a well-needed respite from the serious issues and candidates of the day.

So long, Pat. Those same toilet bowls you've been filling with your bile will soon be hosting your swirling political career.