Creep of the Week - July 31, 1999

You've seem them at the mall and on the street. They're usually young and driving a vehicle that's new and expensive. They park, get out and sprint to wherever they're going. Say something to them, and if you get any response at all, it will be, "Oh, I'm just going to be here a minute!" or more likely, "Buzz off, buttface!" Meanwhile, some 85-year-old lady, bent over with osteoporosis, has to park a half mile away and spend all day struggling with her walker to get to her destination.

14 members of the football team at the University of California at Los Angeles decided that since they were big-time jocks at a big-time school, they shouldn't have to park in the regular parking lots with the rest of the low-lifes. Neither should they have to park in the disabled spots without a permit and incur the wrath of those disgusting cripples and outcasts who are actually entitled to park there. So, as jocks are trained to do, they came up with a way to beat the system.  The boys went to the Department of Motor Vehicles and submitted bogus applications for disabled parking permits, listing bogus ailments and signed by bogus doctors. Those bogus ailments included:

• Knee injuries
• Bell's Palsy
• Bruised knuckles from beating up their girlfriends
• Shrunken balls from excessive steroid use
• Chapped butt cheeks from having their asses kissed by coaches and school administrators all their lives

Believe it or not, one of the players actually knows how to speak in complete sentences, and was quick to let everyone know how they've become the victims: "Our faces have been posted on television and    newspapers and we know we have embarrassed our school, our families and ourselves." The football coach, Bob Toledo pointed out the real damage done: "Unfortunately, this is going to be a pretty good chunk of our football team."

Remember what the Trench Coat Mafia, who shot up Columbine High, was torqued off about? Two things: Minorities and jocks. They were right about the jocks.

At least these guys got caught and punished. What can we do about the rest of the non-disabled parking scofflaws? Saying something to them doesn't work. Screaming obscenities might get their attention, but everyone else around will think you're the bad guy. Nasty notes left on their windshields just get laughed at and tossed. No, stronger action is required to combat such gross, inconsiderate boorishness.

Here are a few things to try the next time you see a vehicle in a handicapped parking spot that doesn't belong there. These suggestions are all exciting and satisfying. They will all handicap the perpetrator. They are also all illegal. But here's my offer: If you get arrested as a result of following any of these ideas, I'll use this web site to solicit money for your legal defense fund. And if you get caught by the vehicle's owner and he kicks the stuffing out of you, consider yourself a wounded soldier in the never-ending battle against Creeps.

1. Use a tire plug remover to let the air out of all four tires.
2. Pour a pound of cement mix in the gas tank.
3. Get a can of orange neon spray paint and write on the hood, in capital letters, "THIS IS A HANDICAPPED PARKING SPOT, YOU LAZY, INSENSITIVE, FAT BASTARD!!"
4. If you see two of them parked along side each other, use a hammer to put a huge dent in the driver's door of one of them, making it look like the other guy did it.
5. Chain and padlock a wheelchair to the front bumper. For a personal touch, chain yourself to the wheelchair.
6. Attach a bag of crack to the underside of the vehicle. Call the police.

1. You missed custom bumper stickers,  you can print them easy enough on avery labels with a home pc, then they fit nicely on the hood of the car where the paint gets ruined when you scrape it off.
2. I think any kind of retribution heaped on the scumbag louts who park in handicapped spots (and don't forget the spots at the mall and grocery store reserved for pregnant ladies) should disable their cars long enough for the cops and the tow truck to arrive.  A $200 fine and towing costs and paying for minor repairs should be enough to make the bums think twice the next time they pull into a prime handicapped spot.
3. If they leave the engine running, you could lock their keys in the car.  You could super glue their locks shut, too.  If you can afford to part with your kryptonite bike lock (or if you happen to have a piece of rebar handy), you could stick it through their fancy alloy wheels (assuming they have them)

and rip their brakes off their mountings when the car starts to move again. You could put nails or broken bottles under their passenger-side tires to flatten them when they back out.
4. You could also steal their rear license plates.  Although that won't stop the assholes in their tracks, you could team that one with a call to the cops to have them popped with a warning.  Along those lines, if you just want to annoy them you could set off their car alarm system to draw attention to them when they come out.
5. One enterprising fellow in CA had bumper stickers made up that he could slap on someones windshield.  No doubt they thought of the error of their ways as they scraped that off the glass with great difficulty.
6. When I lived in Fairbanks though I used to pull my car right up behind the offending morons car, get out and go about my business.  I only recall one idiot ever calling the cops. The cop of course took my side.
7. There was once a young man in Southern California with celebral palsy. He would chain himself to cars parked in Handicap parking zone and demand $50 to unchain himslef and his wheelchair. he made out pretty well.

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