Creep of the Week - July 24, 1999
The JFK Jr. Conspiracy Nuts
"Black Helicopters and Dead Kennedys"
I must be getting jaded and warped. Within minutes of hearing about JFK
Jr.'s plane going down, I knew what was going to happen. Confusion,
grief, media frenzy and vulture-like voyeurism, followed by religious zealotry,
pompous posturing, portentous psycho-babble and (naturally) the ultimate
in paranoid conspiracy theories pointing at the usual targets. The guys
who come up with this ponderous crap have had plenty of time to become
even more creative than their amateurish
Diana Conspiracy
Theories and Ron Brown Conspiracy Theories.
They've pulled out all the stops this time. After all, this is another
Dead Kennedy!
Inexperienced pilot? Disorienting summer haze? Mechanical failure? Forget
it! Don't be so naive! Haven't you been online during the past week? Here's
what really happened:
-
Hillary Clinton had the Secret Service shoot the plane down because she
was worried about John running for the Senate.
-
Bill Clinton had the CIA shoot the plane down because Carolyn was pregnant
with his love child.
-
Janet Reno had the FBI shoot the plane down because she wanted to cover
up her lesbian affair with Lauren.
-
The Kennedy family rushed through the autopsies and cremated the bodies
because all three victims had AIDS.
-
The entire family has been cursed by God because of patriarch Joseph Kennedy's
womanizing, boozing and bootlegging.
-
Isn't it strange it happened almost on the anniversary of the TWA crash?
-
John was so haunted by the murder of his father, and by the series of tragedies
which have preyed upon his family, that he had developed a death wish in
recent years.
-
Fidel Castro, the Mafia, and Frank Sinatra (who faked his own death) got
together to avenge their suffering at the hands of JFK Sr. (who is alive
but brain damaged in San Salvador).
Christ! Wouldn't you like to have that much time on your hands? Actually,
the dorks who write this stuff do have their hands full: One hand
types on the keyboard while the other cranks on the wank.
It wouldn't be so bad if it were only people of average intelligence
(like you and me) who are on the receiving end of this swill. We don't
believe any of it and the guys who make it up don't believe any of it.
But their target audience eats it up like candy. Who's that? Those witless,
brain-dead losers whose ability to think for themselves has long since
rotted away due to a steady diet of The National Enquirer, Jerry Springer
and Rush Limbaugh. They wag their heads, hang out their tongues, and pant
breathlessly, "Yup, must be true!" The rest of us will have to listen to
them regurgitate it word-for-word at bars, grocery store lines and office
coffee machines for the next six months. The more emotionally unbalanced
of the group then go buy tons of fertilizer and blow up buildings.
Why would anyone want to kill JFK Jr. anyway? He wasn't porking
the baby sitter, getting arrested for rape, buying an annulment, or
OD-ing in a stairwell hell hole like his cousins were. Given his heritage,
looks and money, he could easily have turned out to be a peacock-strutting,
arrogant prick who paraded around like a rajah followed by bodyguards,
elephants and an entourage of star-struck groupies. But by all accounts,
he was a pretty decent guy.
Too bad he didn't hang a copy of the Ten Commandments in that plane.
Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com
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