Creep of the Week - June 19, 1999

Image: James InhofeImage: George Nethercutt

James Inhofe and George Nethercutt
"Who's The Holiest, Huffiest, Hypocritical Humbug?"

Trying to name the biggest hypocrite in the United States Congress is like trying to find the Sewer Worker's Union member whose aroma most resembles that of a Goliath-sized, stinking turd. They're all hypocrites. If they aren't when they first take office, they will be as soon as they get that first whiff of power. They say one thing and do another. They make promises they know they won't keep. All their pious platitudes are for those poor, powerless peons they represent, not themselves. They spend more time on their knees begging for cash than any cheap, Saturday night, two-bit whore. And they smile at us the whole time. No, awarding the Biggest Congressional Hypocrite prize is no easy task.

But I'm up to it.

This week, two members of Congress distinguished themselves above all their peers in the continuous hypocrite sweepstakes. I'll leave it to you to determine the biggest, the baddest, the boldest, the Bozo-est.
 

James Inhofe

James, a Senator from Oklahoma, reacted with indignant disgust when Bill Clinton nominated James Hormel to be the US ambassador to Luxembourg in 1997. What was the problem? Was Hormel wrapped up in some unethical campaign finance scandal? Had he avoided paying taxes for his nanny? Did he not know how to speak Luxembourgese? No, Hormel's sin was much worse. He's gay! A homo! A limp-wristed pervert! No fudge packer will represent the US of A while I have any breath left in my heterosexual body, said James, calling Hormel a "gay activist who puts his agenda ahead of the agenda of America." Using his senatorial privilege, James has blocked Hormel's confirmation for two years.

Clinton finally got tired of playing this game and during the recent Memorial Day recess, used his constitutional privilege to make Hormel the ambassador without Senate confirmation. That caused James to go into a faggot-fearing fit, and he vowed to block all current and future Clinton appointments, regardless of who they sleep with.

My theory is that bloviating homophobes like James are secretly obsessed with an overwhelming desire to grab on to one of those hairy-assed weight lifters from the gym and hump themselves silly all night long. But let's give James the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he's just a family-valued Christian man who believes all sex should be between a happily married man and woman, done in the missionary position with as little noise as possible. A man of such moral rectitude would surely surround himself with like-minded people who would set a sterling example for the rest of us deviant heathens. Right?

Obviously you forgot. James is a Huge Hypocrite!

Guess what James' aides have been doing while he's been out calling Hormel a "purveyor of smut"? The same thing you've been doing - downloading dirty pictures from the Web! Several of his employees were caught with pornographic material on their computers in James' Washington office. Government owned computers in a government owned office! Well, James, let's have the details. You enjoy publicizing other people's sexual habits, don't you? You believe it's relevant to their ability to serve the public. Tell us who these sinners are, what their punishment was and how old the girls in the pictures were. Come on, James, dish out the dirt, you're an expert on that, aren't you? James' spokesman declined, citing "legitimate privacy concerns."

I think my hypocrite detector just got a hard on.
 

George Nethercutt

George, a Representative from Washington state, came to office in the Great Republican Revolution year of 1994. During that campaign, he made a pledge to his constituents, one that would be very easy to keep. Term Limits. Three terms as a Congressman, six years, and then back to self-imposed pasture, George promised. That was the central theme of his campaign, and it brought him to an upset victory over the then-Speaker of the House, Tom Foley, who'd been in Congress for 30 years and who George portrayed as an old relic ready for the scrap heap.

Well, time goes by pretty quickly when you're having fun. Guess whose three terms are up in 2000? You might think George is now scoping out retirement homes and stocking up on his fishing gear.

Obviously you forgot. George is a Heinous Hypocrite!

"I've changed my mind,'' George confessed at a press conference this week. "I made a mistake when I chose to set a limit on my service. The only people who don't change their minds are in cemeteries and insane asylums." For those of you who aren't well versed in Congressional double-speak, here is a translation: "Not only did I take all you voters for pitiful chumps when I made that pledge, I am now willing to bet that your inferior intellect will cause you to forget I ever made it! Vote for me in 2000! And send cash!"
 

Scenes I'd Like To See ...

James and George come out of the closet and go hand-in-hand, skipping merrily along on a one way trip to Luxembourg, where they spend the rest of their lives frolicking in the court of Ambassador Hormel, assuring themselves every day that they were true public servants. After all, there are no term limits on hypocrisy.


Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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