Creep of the Week - June 12, 1999

Image: Prosecutor Richard Vollbach

Prosecutors in Standish, Michigan
"The New F Words - Fallacious, Fanatical Foolishness"

Want to make sure we don't have any more Trench Coat Mafia incidents? No more pussy footin', kids, it's time for some serious action. Minors with guns? Let's confiscate all the weapons from everybody! Teenagers trying to see R-rated movies? Strip search 'em at the theater doors! Parents not paying attention while their children build bombs in the bedroom? Sue 'em for millions of dollars! And what about those evil criminals yelling out the F word in front of women and children? Throw 'em in jail!

Unfortunately for Timothy Boomer, that's no joke. Back in August, 1998, Timothy had a really bad day. He was canoeing in the Rifle River, a rural area about 130 miles north of Detroit, when the canoe capsized, dumping him in the river. He got mad. It might be more accurate to say that he went ballistic, he lost control, he turned into a raving lunatic. He also used the F word. He screamed it out more than once. There were children around.

That's not cool. It makes Timothy an insensitive slob. You might think of him as resembling the discharge end of a digestive tract. Surely he's a Creep. He ought to be forced to walk around with a scarlet F tattooed to his forehead. But is he a criminal? The prosecutors there believe so. They charged him with breaking an 1897 Michigan law which prohibits swearing in front of women and children. This week, he was convicted in a jury trial, and could get 90 days in jail and a $100 fine.

It's a little difficult to know exactly what Timothy said, because witness accounts differ and the media censors the "bad" words out. According to the father of the children involved, it was something along the lines of, "I'm tired of this F-ing place. I want off this F-ing river. Get that F-ing canoe back here." The arresting officer said that the verbal tirade lasted five to seven minutes, during which Timothy yelled the F word and its "derivatives" perhaps two dozen times. (Derivatives? What are we talking about? Is F-ing a derivative of F? F-ers? F-ed? I think we need an English grammar teacher for consultation.) The prosecutor, Richard Vollbach (pictured above) said, "The language was indecent language. It was insulting. Some might consider it to be immoral. Mr. Boomer wasn't expressing any thoughts or ideas at the time. Certainly this couldn't be considered artistic, so I don't think there was First Amendment coverage for what he did that day."

Give me an F-ing break, Richard. Don't you have any murders going on up there? Car thefts? Porno theater masterbators? You want to prosecute anyone who's indecent, insulting or immoral? You're going to run out of mug shot film and fingerprint ink. And Kathie Lee's fans won't be happy.

In the spirit of Full Disclosure, here is my history of using bad words on the Creep of the Week web site:
 

  • I have only used the F word once. I was calm at the time.
  • A while back, I was using the S word frequently, but my Mom asked me to stop.
  • One time, I used the Italian versions of both the F and S words in the same sentence.
  • The H word is so innocuous that it hardly merits discussion.
  • The D word is OK, too, but the GD combination is pretty sensitive, so I stay away from it.
  • Likewise, the JC combination. I'm in enough trouble already.
  • I use all forms of the A word with impunity because Leno and Letterman say them every night.
  • I like to use both B words, the masculine one and the feminine one, because they're so descriptive.
  • I've only used the N word in quotes, both real and fictitious. The N word is the worst forbidden word you can use these days.
  • I've never used the C word. If I did, it was surely cause my A to get kicked.
  • A lot of people use the L word when they send me nasty email.


    • Finally, I have a message for all those S-heads and A-holes who think it's any of their GD business what the H language I use: Suck my D!


    Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

    [ Next Week | Last Week | Creep Home Page | John Montgomery's Home Page ]