Eric and Dylan walked into Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado, this week (on what would have been Adolf Hitler's 110th birthday), armed with a semi-automatic assault rifle, two sawed-off shotguns, at least one handgun, and an array of pipe bombs, propane cylinders with timing devices, and hand grenades that spray nails and other shrapnel when exploded. They shot or blew up 12 students and one teacher, and injured 24 more, laughing and giggling the whole time. Finally, performing their one good deed of the day, they killed themselves.
The boys belonged to a group called The Trenchcoat Mafia, whose members wore the black coats all the time regardless of weather, listened to Marilyn Manson and techno-Nazi rock bands, spoke German in the school hallways, bragged about owning guns, and hated student athletes and minorities. They often talked about how "jocks, especially football players, were in a world of their own, thinking they were on top of everything and nothing mattered to them." In other words, your standard pack of teenage outcasts. (And they were right about the jocks.) Presently, authorities are investigating whether other Trenchcoat members were involved in planning the killings.
While we all sympathize with those who got killed, at least they don't have to endure this tragedy's aftermath, which is rapidly becoming as disgusting and frightening as the event itself. Mewling, flatulating experts on children's behavior from every walk of life are now offering their opinions on why this happened:
Hire David Smith to set up a web site that says "Anyone who feels a blinding urge to kill, click here!" When someone clicks, it downloads a virus to their PC that trashes the hard drive and sends an electric shock strong enough to cause a flash fire which blows that killer instinct (and the head it's enclosed in) far out into the ozone.
Send any venomous politician who is driven by racism (e.g. Bob Barr) or hatred (e.g. Bob Barr), or hypocrisy (e.g. Bob Barr) to Yugoslavia or Rwanda where his attributes will be more appreciated.
Hook these young killers up with some of those paranoid Y2K knuckle-scrapers. Keep them busy stockpiling food, hoarding gas generators, rehearsing their Chicken Little holocaust survivalist scenarios and generally scaring the crap out of each other. After January 1, make sure they get the message that it's not safe to come out of the woods. Ever.
If at anytime you see someone in your school, office, workplace (or even in your own home) with his finger up his nose, hit him in the face with a hammer. Be sure to break both the finger and the nose.
Finally, I have a plan that will bring these kids back to the simple life I remember as a teenager. Make sure each one gets copious doses of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Keeps them off the streets and in their bedrooms - nice and safe. That's the prescription. No more shooting. Peace, love and harmony. The good old days.
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