OK? Still with me? You can live with the way Bill's situation turned out. You're willing to move on. But what if next week, Bill came on TV and said, "Tonight, on my desk in the Oval Office, amidst the Kosovo maps and budget reports, I am going to copulate with a squealing, greased-up, bow-legged sow who just won First Prize at the Arkansas State Fair. Afterwards, instead of the traditional post-poking cigar, I'll be chowing down six Big Macs, chugging a quart of Jack Daniel's, and then toking up on a gigantic Jamaican spliff. And that's not all - I'm going to videotape the whole thing! And you know what TV program is going to show the tape? Not '60 Minutes', that's for pussies! No, Jerry Springer! JERRY 'MY MISTRESS EATS LIKE A PIG AND SMELLS LIKE HAM HOCKS' SPRINGER! How do you like that, Henry Hyde?"
What would you think at that point? Bill's gone and taken advantage of my good nature. He went too far. I gave him an inch and he took a mile. He was living on the edge, but he just fell off. I'm pissed.
That's how I feel about Jack Kevorkian. Dr. Death has been providing a public service by being in the "assisted suicide" business. Since 1990, he has helped 130 terminally ill people end their lives by setting up "suicide machine" contraptions which allow the patients to push a button to start the flow of carbon monoxide or intravenous chemicals into their bodies. These were people who wanted to die and whose families agreed. Jack was merely helping nature along. A private decision to be made by a patient, his family and his physician. Who could disagree with that?
Start with fanatical religious busybodies and add Michigan's pompous prosecutors. They hauled Jack into court and tried him four times on assisted suicide charges. Luckily, the average jury member believes this is none of anyone's business, because they acquitted him three times. The fourth case was judged a mistrial. Carry on, Dr. Death, but don't screw up.
He screwed up. Last year, Jack went a step farther than usual. While providing his service to 52-year-old Thomas Youk, who was suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease, Jack gave the lethal injection himself rather than allowing Thomas to do it. Bad enough, but if everyone kept their big mouths shut, perhaps no one would know the difference. Guess who spilled the beans? Transforming himself from public service provider to publicity hound, Jack not only videotaped the entire procedure, he went running to Mike Wallace who played the whole gruesome scene on "60 Minutes". Mike also interviewed Jack, who dared the prosecutors to arrest him.
That they did, charging him with first degree murder. He served as his own lawyer, against the strong advice of the judge, looking not like a brave man standing up for his principles, but like a witless moron. (Judge: "Have you ever seen the inside of a state prison?" Jack: "I saw 'The Shawshank Redemption' twice.") The judge would not allow Jack to call the dead man's family as witnesses, and he was left with no defense. Verdict: Guilty of second degree murder. Sentence: 10 to 25 years in state prison. During the trial, Jack compared himself to civil rights heroes like Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks. A more appropriate comparison would be Al Sharpton.
As they were leading him off to the big house in handcuffs, Jack vowed to starve himself and dared the jailers to force-feed him. When he found out they had no intention of force-feeding him, he backed off on the hunger strike, evidently not wanting to be a victim of his own assisted suicide medicine.
What now? What does a guy like Jack do in jail for 25 years? With that scrawny, 70-year-old ass of his, he's not going to be anyone's first choice for a love puppy. Maybe he could play practical jokes on the death row inmates, causing the sudden opening of their bile ducts by showing up in their cells first thing in the morning flashing that cadaverous, evil grin.
Better yet, how about providing the Dr. Death service to a few other infantile losers who've been given multiple chances to redeem themselves, only to have worn out their welcomes recently: Darryl Strawberry, Dennis Rodman and Leon Lett come to mind. Jack could hook himself and the rest of the crew up to a special quad version of the suicide machine. I'm sure there'd be lots of volunteers to push the button.
[ Next Week | Last Week | Creep Home Page | John Montgomery's Home Page ]