Creep of the Week - March 27, 1999
Bill Clinton and Slobodan Milosevic
"Hey, Let's Put On A War!"
I don't pretend to be an expert about what's going on in Kosovo. Actually,
to be clear, I don't know much about it at all. OK, I'll be perfectly honest:
I don't have any freaking clue what any of it is about. None of it. No
idea. A complete blank. Total emptiness. Dazed and confused. Some people
on the other side of the world who have hated each other for years are
now killing each other. Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic seems to be the
bad guy on that side. The United States and its NATO allies, at Bill Clinton's
insistence, are dropping bombs on some of the killers to kill them so that
the killing will stop. Make sense?
Well, not exactly, but most of them don't. The last time we had a war
that everyone understood was World War II. The justification for getting
into that one went something like, "Why those sushi-eating, saki-drinking,
kimono-wearing, sumo-wrestling, slant-eyed, devious little yellow bastards!
They bombed Pearl Harbor on a Sunday morning while everyone was asleep!
Let's show them what bombing is all about! And as long as we're getting
out the big guns, we'll go help our pals England and France put this lunatic
Hitler in his grave. Let's get 'em!" The whole country pitched in and we
got 'em! We also got some good songs and Oscar-winning movies out of the
deal. What a great war!
But the war business went downhill from there. What were Korea and Vietnam
about? Communists playing dominos. Not nearly as inspiring. Things looked
better for a while with the Gulf War in Iraq. We had a swarthy, ugly enemy,
Saddam
Hussein, we could all work up a frenzied hatred for, and we stomped
him. But the fighting only lasted a week. Not enough time for any songs
or movies. And he's still over there shooting the moon at us every few
months. Grenada, Libya, Panama, Somalia, Haiti, Bosnia, ad nauseum. Can
anyone explain those wars or even remember anything about them? Just a
bunch of little countries made up of little non-white people who had little
problems until we made them big. The problems, not the countries or the
non-white people.
Now we're in Kosovo. Since I don't understand the facts, I'll just ask
some questions. Raise your hand if you know the answers to any of them.
-
Is Kosovo in Yugoslavia or vice versa?
-
Isn't Bosnia over there somewhere, too?
-
Who are the Serbs and why are they so pissed off?
-
I read something about Montenegro. Didn't Hugo Montenegro do some dance
tunes in the 1960's? Why is he so pissed off?
-
Is a "Kosovar" a guy who lives in Kosovo or is it a Yugoslavian candy bar?
Shouldn't a guy from Kosovo be called a Kosovolite? Kosovocan? Kosovoker?
And how do they get the money or the time to eat candy bars? There's a
war going on!
-
Is it the Serbs against the Christians? Or the Moslems against the Albanians?
-
Are the Israelis involved in this somehow? They always are.
-
Where do they make Yugos? Will this affect the supply? Does Slobodan drive
one?
-
Does this whole thing strike you as a pissing contest between Bill and
Slobodan? Do you suppose either of them will get pissed on? Even a few
dark drip marks down their pant legs?
-
Slobodan is a pretty lame name, but he has a real macho nickname: "The
Butcher of the Balkans." How can Bill compete with that? "The Warthog of
Washington?" "The Libido Lounge Lizard of Little Rock?" "The Areola Archbishop
of Arkansas?"
-
How come nobody ever talks about the Shiites anymore? Now that was
a great name.
-
Aren't there any ski gondolas over there we could have Marine pilots aim
for?
-
Bill is being named Creep of the Week for a policy matter, not a sexual
one. Isn't that kind of boring?
Does anyone out there know any more than me about all this? Shiite!
Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com
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