Creep of the Week - March 6, 1999
The 2000 Presidential Candidates
"Stooge Fest"
Don't we deserve a break? Impeachment's over. Monica shot her wad all over
Barbara Walter's lap. The Clinton Haters are
all comatose from bashing their heads against the wall in anguish now that
their reason for living has ended. It would seem like we could relax for
a while without the shrill voices of politicians disturbing our couch potato
dream world. But no. Every time you turn around, somebody else is announcing
he's a candidate for president or forming an exploratory committee or just
fantasizing about interns and cigars. If you thought that the events of
the past year would keep anyone good from running for president next year,
you were right. The 2000 Presidential Candidates (and there are about 2000
of them) are lining themselves up in rows so that the voters, the media,
and guys like me can start picking them off one by one. The only way to
keep them straight is to categorizing them, so as a public service, here's
my list:
-
The "Walter Mondale Mr. Excitement Lookalike Award" Democrats
-
Al Gore - He's Bill Clinton with his pants pulled up. Al's a Southerner
with Bill's political views, but without a trace of bubba, bimbos or braggadocio.
Let's face it - Al's pretty damn boring. You may think that's just what
we need right now, but after a few months of seeing Al on CNN, you're going
to be grabbing the remote and switching to the History Channel, hoping
for a glimpse of one of Bill's "apologize and bite lip" routines.
-
Bill Bradley - He played in the National Basketball Association
for ten years. That's the same organization that gave us Latrell
Sprewell and
Dennis Rodman. You'd think
some of that excitement would have rubbed off on him. But Bill Bradley
makes Al Gore look like Daffy Duck on speed.
-
The "I Voted For Your Father / Husband" Republicans
-
George W. Bush - He's the front runner for the Republican nomination,
even though he hasn't officially said he's a candidate and nobody knows
his views on anything. Come to think of it, I don't remember much about
his father's views on anything, either.
-
Elizabeth Dole - A female President! A male First Lady! That seems
to be the cause of all the excitement about her. She runs the country while
Bob hangs around the White House pursuing his new career - Viagra Stud.
-
Deja Vu Part 3
Haven't these characters been running for president forever?
-
Pat Buchanan - Unlike most of the other candidates, there's no question
where Pat stands on the issues. To the right of Atilla The Hun. He made
an "arrest everyone who doesn't agree with me" speech at the 1992 Republican
convention that scared the bejesus out of normal-thinking Americans in
both parties. Pat claims his fans consist of "peasants with pitchforks".
A lot of sheep are scared, too.
-
Jesse Jackson - His message is simple: "I'm Black! Dare to criticize
me! Oh, yeah? You're a racist!"
-
Steve Forbes - Here's the deal, Steve: We elect you, you pay off
the national debt, we pay less in taxes, everybody's happy. BUT PLEASE,
PLEASE, LOSE THAT EVIL GRIN!!! IT'S FREAKING ME OUT!!!
-
Lamar Alexander - I think this is the red lumberjack shirt guy.
But I'm not sure. Anybody know anything else about him?
-
Who The Hell Are These Guys?
-
Gary Bauer - Looks like Yoda. Thinks like Berra.
-
Alan Keyes - Represents the black conservatives. All 11 of them.
-
John Kasich - Serious about economic reform. Who cares? What about
gays in the military?
-
John McCain - POW. Independent minded. Speaks his mind. Not a chance
in hell.
-
Bob Smith - Howdy Doody's Dad.
-
It's A Revolting Travesty That Anyone Takes This Moron Seriously
And If Through Some Weird Combination Of Bad Luck, Sunspots, And Evil Voodoo
Dolls, He Actually Gets Elected, I'm Moving To Kosovo And Taking My Web
Site With Me
Well, there you have it - Our cavalcade of losers for the new century.
If there's any bright side, it's that all but one of them will lose.
The rest of us better stock up on ear plugs, nose plugs and butt plugs.
Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com
[ Next Week | Last
Week | Creep Home Page | John
Montgomery's Home Page ]