Creep of the Week - February 27, 1999

Image: Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton
"From Sleaze To Tease"
If you're a male, you must remember the Big Tease from high school. She was The One. The One you just had to have. Maybe she was the Head Cheerleader or the Student Council President or the Valedictorian. Whoever she was, she was clearly out of your league. But that didn't matter. You wanted her anyway. No, you didn't just want her - you had to have her! Your life was going to end in a depressing cesspool of despair if she didn't set her rosy cheeks (just one time!) in the back seat of your Firebird. And you remember the worst part about it? She never rejected you or told you to buzz off or said you were an infantile asshole for even dreaming that she'd come within breathing distance of you or your rusty old car. She'd just give you The Smile. That glorious, dazzling smile that said, "Maybe! You never know, kid! Stranger things have happened. Someday I might get really bored with the captain of the football team and have an urge to spend some time with a catatonic lowlife like you!" That would be enough to send you straight to your bedroom where you'd fall asleep with your fantasies (among other things) in your hands.

Guess what, guys? The Big Tease has grown up. But you haven't.

For several weeks now, our own First Lady Hillary Clinton has been applying the Big Tease to politicians of every stripe with her meandering thoughts about running for the United States Senate from New York. She's had her flunkies out hitting the talk shows, giving The Smile, while saying, "Maybe! You never know, kid!" Is she really serious? Will she or won't she? When will she make up her mind? Should I clean out the ashtray in the Firebird?

The Democrats are creaming their jeans because Hillary is The One. She's been the Head Cheerleader for six years. No other candidate for the Senate would provide them as much name recognition or fund raising ability. As a Senator, she'd be a vocal and powerful advocate for their causes. Those rosy cheeks are going to look so good in the back of their Firebirds!

And if you think the Democrats are hot for Hillary, the Republicans are salivating like Pavlov's dogs at the thought of finally nailing one of the Clintons. Her husband may have escaped their wrath, but wait until they and the New York media get done trashing her! Al D'Amato, New York's ex-Senator, who got the boot from the voters in part because he led a two-year witch hunt of Hillary's financial dealings that turned up exactly nothing, was foaming at the mouth on TV this week: "Yeah, bring her on! Bring her on! If the bitch wants to establish residency in New York, she can stay at my place!"

The political junkies in the media (and on the web) couldn't hope for anything better, either. This would be impeachment Round Two without gloves! The Clinton Haters who can't stand Bill because he's A) a Democrat, B) popular, and C) responsible for all the sex, drugs and rock & roll back in the 60s, hate Hillary even worse because she's all that plus being a female! The audacity! And in Hillary's corner would be every liberal, feminist, vegetarian, anti-Clarence Thomas, pro-abortion, anti-fur coat, gay and lesbian extremist in New York City.

What's Hillary's reaction to all this? Just The Smile. Maybe a decision in the fall. Maybe she'll get bored with the captain of the football team and come on down from her throne to spend some time among the riff raff. Maybe.

Speaking of the football team captain, his only reaction was to break out the cigar and the bongo drums while yelling "Yeeeeee Haaaaaah!" into the night at top volume. The trailer parks in Arkansas better hire some security.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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