Creep of the Week - February 20, 1999

Image: Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell
"Tinky Winky's Dinky is Stinky"
You have to feel sorry for those God-fearing people of high moral character who devoted the last six years of their lives to ridding America of its Pitifully Promiscuous President. What do they do now that their mission has failed? How can they find meaning in their lives once again? Some have found happiness by beginning the who's-to-blame process, pointing fingers and making threats of election day retribution towards the politicians who didn't act enough like True Believers in the latest crusade. Another group has suggested that the entire conservative movement simply withdraw from these scandalous times into some ostrich-with-its-head-in-the-sand cult. A third group, however, sadly seems not to have made it through the loss of the battle with their emotional stability intact. Chief among the latter is the Reverend Doctor Jerry Falwell.

Last week, Reverend Jerry announced the latest target of his inspired ire: Gay Teletubbies. That's right, Jerry has outed Tinky Winky, one of the four Teletubbies from the popular TV show, as a purse-carrying, triangle-toting, fudge-packing, purple homosexual. Don't laugh - Jerry's serious. And if you don't want to be struck down dead by Jerry's pal Jesus, you'd better march straight into your child's bedroom and confiscate every Tinky Winky you can get your hands on before your kid starts slipping out the back door to hang out in gay bars where they play Melissa Etheridge songs all night long.

Here's how Jerry sees it: "The character, whose voice is obviously that of a boy, has been found carrying a red purse in many episodes and has become a favorite character among gay groups worldwide. Now, further evidence that the creators of the series intend for Tinky Winky to be a gay role model have surfaced. He is purple -- the gay-pride color; and his antenna is shaped like a triangle -- the gay-pride symbol."

Wow! And you thought Ken Starr was thorough! Can't you just see Jerry sitting in his easy chair with a bible on his lap for reference, furiously flipping through the channels looking for evidence? All in the name of making America more heterosexual for our children! Kinda makes you proud to be a Christian, doesn't it?

What's really sad about this is that Jerry used to be somebody important. Back in the 1980's, he was the head of the Moral Majority, a conservative organization which raised money for politicians who agreed with its principles. Jerry quite rightly claimed some of the credit for Ronald Reagan's election in 1980 and for the demise of many liberal congressmen and senators who lost their jobs to the Moral Majority's candidates. But with the coming of Clinton, Jerry lowered his aim. He began peddling a video that accused Bill and Hillary of being drug runners in Arkansas, as well as the murderers of a long list of their friends and enemies. You've probably seen the list in your email. Jerry realized that Clinton bashing, along with some Old Time Gospel Hour, God-is-a-Republican religion thrown in, is a great way to separate senile old ladies from their money. Now that Bill has escaped the hangman's noose, Jerry has degraded himself even lower into Dan Quayle's evil-TV-character territory.

OK. Jerry has alerted us all to the worldwide Teletubbies menace. What do we do? How about hiring Russell Henderson and Aaron McKinney to tie Tinky Winky to a fence post and pistol whip him to death? We'll have to keep The Southern Baptists in the loop so they can add Tinky to their list of gay cartoon characters. And let's not forget the Gay/Lesbian Alliance. In a remarkable twist of irony, they recently declared that Po, another of the Teletubbies, is anti-gay because they think she says "Faggot faggot, bite my butt" in Chinese. Po vs. Tinky Winky? Jerry vs. the Gay/Lesbian Alliance? Get in the ring and fight it out! May the most ludicrous gas bag win.

Don't you miss the good old sex and perjury days?

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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