Creep of the Week - February 13, 1999
Assorted Impeachment Creeps
"Get Out The Air Freshener - It Still Smells Like Monica's Dress In Here"
Is that it? Is this thing finally over now? Is it safe to turn off CNN and go outside? This week, the
long awaited but unsurprising impeachment verdict came down from the Senate. "Not Guilty" on all
charges. Not even a majority of the Senators voted for conviction. Then they all waved good-bye and
got the hell out of town -
Senators, House Managers and Bill himself. Let's move on, they said. Let's just forget the whole thing.
We'll kiss and make up, then go on about our business as if nothing happened. We hope the other side
learned its lesson.
But what did we learn? After 13 months worth of investigations, political posturing and hysterical
overreaction to every event, real and imagined, we really don't know much more than we did when
the story first broke:
Sex and Perjury. Sure, Ken Starr filled in a few blanks about cigars and how many times Bill did and
did not climax into Monica's mouth, but other than that, what? Nothing that transpired during the
House or Senate impeachment proceedings cast any further light on those events. But we did learn a
few things we didn't know before:
- The most preposterous of the House Managers, Bob Barr, turned out to
be not only an adulterer and a perjurer (just like Bill), but also a racist and a hypocrite on abortion.
Maybe we should call it aBARRtion from now on.
- House Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde, who had a sterling reputation when this
filthy mess began, had his own dirty laundry hung out on the line for everyone
to see. That consisted of adulterous affair he had in his 40's, which he described as a "youthful
indiscretion", and one of the biggest lard-asses to be seen in Washington since Linda Tripp's.
- Speaking of whom, Linda crawled out from whatever donut shop she hangs out in to do a series of
TV interviews this week. We already knew she was a treacherous, evil witch. But it seems she's paranoid
and delusional, as well. She thinks Clinton & Company were plotting to kill her and that she saved Monica's
life by turning her in to Ken Starr.
- The vast majority of Members of Congress, in both parties, blindly voted the party line in
knee-jerk fashion without regard to anything else. What do you think about impeachment,
Congressman? "Uh, wait - let me ask Tom DeLay."
- The Religious Right, which has been after Bill's ass since before he became President, accusing
him murder, drug running and defecating on the White House lawn, put the screws to Republican
congressmen, threatening primary challenges if they didn't vote for impeachment. They continue to wonder
why people of normal intelligence refuse to take them seriously. Now they're moving on to another
moral crusade to rid our country of one more catastrophic menace - Gay Teletubbies!
- Newt Gingrich wasn't so bad after all.
And what about the Penile Perpetrator himself? How has
Bill Clinton been affected? Any damage to his legacy,
his ability to govern, or his marriage are of no concern to him. Bill's always been one of those "live for the
moment" kind of guys. But his enemies can take some solace in the fact that they've really hurt him in
the one place he really cares about. Bill won't be having sex of any kind with anyone for the
next two years.
Let me know what you think at
montgome@servtech.com
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