Creep of the Week - February 6, 1999
Mike Tyson used to have that job. When he first became the heavyweight boxing champion, at age 20, he was an awesome specimen in the ring who had no equal. It seems that Mike's only problem back then was being so overwhelming that his bouts didn't last long enough for him to use up all his internal rage. As a result, outside the ring, he continued to act like he was still in a boxing match. As Mike and the rest of us found out, that kind of behavior soon transforms a heroic sports idol into a common, thuggish asshole. There were reports of Mike beating up Robin Givens, his first wife, and getting into barroom brawls on a weekly basis. His career came to a screeching halt when he was convicted of raping a beauty contestant in an Indianapolis hotel room and sent to jail for three years.
OK, you say, anyone can make a mistake. Mike made a huge one, but he did his time and emerged from prison seemingly chastened and contrite. He got a second chance. He had a few more boxing matches where he seemed to be regaining his previous form, and finally received an opportunity to regain the heavyweight title in a match with Evander Holyfield. But as you probably recall, Mike forgot he was in a boxing match and had a jailhouse flashback where he thought he was trying to chew through some three-day-old bread in the prison mess hall. In the midst of the fight, he bit Evander's ear off and spit it out on the floor. Not only did Mike lose the match and his boxing license, to this day no woman will let him nibble on her ears.
Believe it or not, Mike got a third chance. His suspension from boxing was lifted and he went on with his career again. You'd think these events might have caused Mike to seek some help and calm down. Perhaps he'd realize that he ought to get his act together, concentrate on his talent that made him one of the greatest fighters of all time, and continue to take out his frustrations by pounding poor putzes into purple pulp.
Only in the story books, kids. Last August, Mike and his wife were involved in an auto accident in Maryland. When the other two drivers got out of their cars to exchange insurance information like any other normal, civilized people, Mike had another one of his flashbacks and evidently thought he was back in the ring. He kicked one guy and punched the other. Mike pleaded no contest to assault charges and got sent to jail again this week, this time for one year. That's worse than it sounds, because the jail term could jeopardize his parole for the rape conviction, leading to more time in the slammer, plus another boxing license suspension. By the time Mike is able to get into the ring again, he'll be fighting on the Geritol Seniors Tour with Larry Holmes and George Foreman.
Too bad for Mike, eh? What a tragic figure. Don't you feel sorry for the poor, crazy jailbird? In a word, HELL NO! This guy was living my schoolboy fantasy. He was better at what he did than anyone else in the world. He could have had anything he wanted. But he blew it. Three times. Three times! No, I don't feel sorry for Mike. You know who I feel sorry for? Me! And every other boxing fan. We won't be able to watch Mike knock guys out in record time anymore and that pisses me off! IN FACT, I'M SO ANGRY I'M GOING TO GO OUT AND BITE SOMEBODY'S EAR OFF!
Sorry, I was having one of those barroom brawl flashbacks myself.
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