Creep of the Week - January 9, 1999
The Salt Lake City Olympic Committee
"Hey Buddy, Wanna Buy The Olympics?"
Hey, kids, looking for an exciting career when you grow up? How about a high-profile job where you
travel the world and then come home with cash-stuffed pockets, as well as paid-up medical expenses,
college educations for your kids, shotguns, skis, real estate deals, and all the prostitutes you can nail?
Become a member of the International Olympic Committee! Corruption, bribery, pompous hypocrisy,
and finger pointing on a world class scale! All without even stepping foot into Washington! The Olympics
haven't been this much fun since Tonya Harding's wedding video!
This week, the Salt Lake City Olympic Committee (SLOC), the group which convinced the International Olympic
Committee (IOC) to award the 2002 Winter Games to Salt Lake City, admitted they took a break from
accumulating multiple wives
and instead made cash payments of
over $500,000 to
IOC members which went towards college and athletic training for their kids, medical payments, real estate
land deals, and possibly sex-for-hire. Frank Joklik, president of the SLOC, and
senior vice president Dave Johnson resigned. Dave had gone so far as to revoke a scholarship made to the
daughter of an IOC member after the member died. Dave's letter to the daughter was the "smoking gun"
which broke the scandal.
What happened? Who's responsible? As you might guess, it's time for all the people involved to stampede
to the nearest TV camera and provide the traditional standard set of excuses:
- The Richard Nixon "I Had The Noblest Of Intentions" excuse:
Tom Welch, who was the previous SLOC president until he resigned amidst spouse abuse accusations,
tells us, "We felt this was one of the roles we could play to improve an understanding of who we were,
and we could be of help."
- The Ronald Reagan "Nobody Told Me Anything" excuse: Utah Governor Mike Leavitt claims, "No
one on this board knew what was going on. They were victims of a systematic cover-up orchestrated by
a small group handling the cash."
- The George Bush "I Was At The Army/Navy Game When All This Happened" excuse:
SLOC member Spencer Eccles says, "We were deceived. We were lied to. I'm sick at heart."
- The Bill Clinton "My Accusers Suck Worse Than I Do" excuse:
Stephen Pace, a longtime SLOC critic, tattles, "The board has acted like a room full of cockroaches when
you snap on the light. They have just run for cover. The board's only defense to being charged with
being corrupt is 'No, we're not corrupt, we're incompetent.'"
- The Dan Burton "I Know You're A Scumbag Are But What Am I?" excuse:
Sandy Knapp, a member of the United States Olympic Committee (USOC) sobs,
"How can people who made this into an art form turn around and say, 'Oh, those bums,'?
They knew it was Christmas every day. It's amazing how they can ignore what has
been common knowledge and expect to have any credibility."
- The OJ Simpson "Yeah, I Did It - What Are You Going To Do About It?" excuse:
David Sibandze, an African IOC member from Swaziland, shrugs and says,
"Education is education. If you want your child to be educated, you try everything you can."
In the true spirit of modern day scandals, this one is being investigated by four different organizations
simultaneously - The IOC, the USOC, Janet Reno's Justice Department and an internal Salt Lake City
ethics panel. Look for Ken Starr to lend one of his hairy palms to the efforts soon.
Let me know what you think at
montgome@servtech.com
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