Creep of the Week - November 21, 1998

Image: Committee Chairman Henry Hyde

The House Judiciary Committee
"A Day At The Circus"
Is this thing ever going to be over? We've heard the accusations, seen the denials, read the report, snoozed through the video and just a few days ago glazed over at the famous tapes of Monica and Linda complaining about how miserable it is to be overweight and in love. This three-ring circus has been going on for nearly a year, but despite voter disgust and general boredom, no one has been able to finally bring down the big top on the event. How much more can we take? The Judiciary Committee of the US House of Representatives, entrusted to carry out an impeachment inquiry, treated us to another sideshow this week when it brought Independent Counsel Ken Starr in for a fun-filled day of low-wire clown acts. Ken was supposed to let us know what he's been doing for the past four years and then be questioned by committee members, as well as Clinton's lawyer. The idea was for the committee and the public to become more informed about this whole insipid mess.

Did you learn anything new? Did you change your mind about any person or event? Did you slap yourself on the forehead and say, "So that's what the other side's been trying to say all this time. I was wrong"? Was anyone on the face of the earth surprised by anything that transpired?

Would you like to see Linda Tripp in a thong bikini?

No. Ken's two-hour statement was exactly like his investigation: long, slow and plodding. Then came the questions. Only they weren't questions, they were speeches. And there were only two varieties - one Republican and one Democrat.

The Republican speech: "Mr. Starr, I want to personally thank you for taking time from your exhaustive investigation to be with us here today. Your patriotism and dedication are truly inspirational. If not for you, we would not know the truth about our vile, repugnant president and his predatory, tempestuous behavior towards the succulent young ladies of our country. You deserve our praise, not to mention our apologies for having to endure the criticism of an ungrateful press and the vermin-like Democrats. Mr. Starr, I'd like you to stand up, drop your drawers, and bend over, so I can have the honor and privilege of kissing your ass."

And the Democrat speech: "Ken, you ignorant slut. Your egregious abuse of power and incompetent blundering leave me groping for a barf bag. The president was merely porking his intern and trying to keep it a secret from his wife. You, on the other hand, have been porking the American system of justice with your Gestapo-like tactics and goose-stepping investigators. And I was deeply shocked by your pornographic report, you pervert. Ken, I'd like you to stand up, drop your drawers, and bend over, so I can have the honor and privilege of kicking your ass."

Oh, there were a few entertaining moments like when the head Democrat on the committee called Ken "a federally paid sex policeman." Ken said that when he nabbed Monica, she was "a felon in the middle of committing another felony." One of the Republicans called Monica "an over-sexed blabber mouth." Still another said wistfully, "I hear laughter from the left. But I often hear laughter from the left." But there were only a few such nuggets amidst 12 hours of mindless swill.

The object of all this brouhaha, Bill Clinton, was thousands of miles away, trolling for geishas in Japan. He shrugged the whole thing off, saying only, "Ahhh sooooo, want to taste my sushi?"

What now? Judiciary Committee members want another round of witnesses and perhaps an expanded investigation. Come on, guys, every possible participant has been probed and poked up the ying-yang for months. You have enough information. Make a stand. Take the vote. Yea or Nay. Up or Down. In or Out.

Let's move on. There are higher priorities. It's time we focus our investigative powers on the real menace to morality in the Oval Office - Thomas Jefferson.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

[ Next Week | Last Week | Creep Home Page | John Montgomery's Home Page ]