Creep of the Week - November 14, 1998
Saddam Hussein
"Still Making Us Crazy After All These Years"
He's like the scrawny barroom drunk who keeps trying to pick a fight with the captain of the football
team. After a number of taunts and insults,
the big guy finally gets tired of being harassed and walks over to boot the drunk's sorry ass into the next
county. It's only when those large Dingos are close enough to cause the little guy's butt hair to stand on end
that he finally smiles and says, "Oh, I was only kidding. I'll shut up now."
Saddam Hussein is like the sleazy high school tease who promises her suitors a luxury cruise on the
pleasure boat to tuna town, but then leaves them in a little row boat with blue balls and hairy palms.
"Not this time, but try again next week, Sweetie." And they do.
Saddam has been making idle threats and empty promises for years and always backs down at the last
minute. This week, after spending the last month kicking UN weapons inspectors out of Iraq, and after
sniffing the odor of US warplanes flying directly for his arms factories, Saddam backed off again. "I'll be good!
You can go back home now. But try again next week, Sweetie." Bill Clinton slammed on the brakes of the
warplanes and will try again next week to resume the inspections. Saddam can laugh again about how
he brings the big boys to the brink and escapes unscathed. The human shields that he's installed at all
his palaces breathe a sigh of relief and go back to humping camels. The guys flying the warplanes
get left with blue balls and hairy palms.
This is getting old. We've been there, done that, too many times now. Saddam has to
go, the experts say, but we can't just kill him because we don't know where he lives. We need a new plan,
one that will solve not just the Iraqi problem, but some of the others still festering out there.
- We send the newly unemployed Newt Gingrich over to Iraq to meet with
Saddam.
- Newt launches into one of his tirades about the liberal media establishment, putting Saddam to sleep.
- While Saddam is napping, Newt steals $850,000 which he sends to
Paula Jones, paying off Bill's settlement money.
- Paula keeps enough to compensate herself for the damage she suffered at the sight of the
Gubernatorial Gonads ($5) and contributes the rest to the retirement fund for the soon-to-be-unemployed
Ken Starr.
- Ken immediately subpoenas Saddam's camel, the camel's mother, and the tapes made by the camel's
best friend. He goes insane and spends the rest of his life wanking himself in a straitjacket once he hears
the story about the cigar. The really big cigar.
- Saddam demands compensation for the camel, but since we don't have any camels over here, we send
him something comparable - Linda Tripp.
- Linda scares Saddam into giving up his weapons permanently. Saddam uses Linda as a prime example
of why he requires all Iraqi women to wear veils.
- Bill Clinton gets back to the real business of the country - golf and blow jobs.
Crisis averted! Everybody's happy! These seemingly insurmountable problems are actually pretty simple
to resolve once we use all our assets.
Let me know what you think at
montgome@servtech.com
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