Creep of the Week - October 31, 1998
And pick up a gun.
As is customary these days, when arguments don't sway people, you can be sure that stronger persuasion is just around the corner. A whole gaggle of pro-life killers popped up from their crawl spaces this week. One of them killed an abortion provider, Dr. Barnett Slepian, sniper-style, by shooting him as he stood in his kitchen near Buffalo, New York. Another one (or maybe the same guy) left a wanted poster with Slepian's picture crossed out and the words "Jew" and "killer" written on it in a police department restroom. A third (or maybe the same guy) called a radio talk show, and threatened another local doctor.
You'd think these guys would be pretty exhausted after spewing out all that violence, but they were just getting warmed up. Abortion clinics in Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee all received envelopes containing a mysterious white powder and a note saying "Congratulations, you've just been exposed to anthrax." The clinics were emptied, sending dozens of employees and patients to hospitals to be scrubbed down and medicated. Anthrax can kill people. What do you suppose it could have done to the unborn babies who were in the clinic at the time?
Oh yeah, babies! How could we forget? Isn't that what motivates the pro-life killer club? Sweet, innocent babies who have the misfortune of being conceived by uncaring mothers and butchered by dirty Jewish doctors? Gootchie, gootchie, goo! It's all about babies, right?
Guess again. Baby lovers don't kill people. Anti-abortion terrorists don't give two shits about babies. What kind of people are these? Women haters. Control freaks. Anti-semites. And you know what really drives these guys nuts? Other people are having sex and they're not! Not just sex. Casual sex. Unprotected sex. Sex in all sorts of positions. Sex all night long. Can't have that. If we're not getting laid, no one gets laid! Let's kill some doctors. And some liberal Jews! And all those sluts who wouldn't have anything to do with us back in high school!
Here's some advice, boys. Follow the example of one of your role models, John Salvi, who killed two abortion clinic workers and wounded several others in a shooting spree in Boston a few years ago. After John was thrown in jail for life, he finally put his killer instinct to good use by committing suicide. Think of how easy things would be after that. No more stakeouts. No more messing around with that nasty anthrax. Gets all that hostility out of your system for good. The only disadvantage is that you still won't be getting laid, but the chances of you doing that now are about the same as Bill Clinton's.
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