Creep of the Week - October 24, 1998

Image: Byron Looper

Byron Looper
"Extreme Negative Campaigning"
Don't you just hate the grueling, repetitious and asinine political advertisements we have to endure in the United States at this time of year? You can't turn on the TV or radio, read the paper, or even walk down the street without having this manure shoved down your throat and up your ass at every turn. In New York State, where I live, Senator Al D'Amato is running for re-election. Senator Al recently called his opponent a "putzhead' and now the entire campaign is revolving around what the definition of that word really is. The opponent, Congressman Charles Schumer, a Jew, maintains that "putzhead" is Yiddish for "dickhead". Al, who many consider to be an expert on dickheads, claims he was only calling Chuck a fool. In the race for Governor, something called the Green Party has nominated Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis, apparently just to show how much disdain they have for the other candidates. During a campaign, politicians call each other names, lie about each other's records, castigate each other's parents, and whisper stories about each other's sex lives. In the mad frenzy for political power, these putzheads will do anything to get elected. Sometimes, you wish they'd just kill each other.

Wish granted. This week, Byron Looper, the Tax Assessor in Putnam County, Tennessee and Republican candidate for State Senator, was arrested for murdering his opponent, incumbent Senator Tommy Burks. Byron is accused of blowing Tommy's head off while Tommy sat in his pickup truck getting ready to give some children a tour of the pumpkin patch on his hog farm. Byron was seen driving from the scene, and then disappeared for three days while his lawyer had to tell the press that no, Byron had nothing to do with the killing, but yes, it was mighty peculiar that he happened to pick this particular time to drop from sight. They finally arrested him when he returned to his home, which had been staked out by Police.

Byron has a very interesting record. He wanted to become a lawyer but couldn't get into law school. He was indicted in March on charges of theft and misuse of office for faxing hundreds of political press releases around the state. He has an ex-girlfriend who's suing him for $1.2 million because he forced her to have sex and illegally transferred ownership of her home to his name. In addition, he has two drunk driving convictions in Georgia. These days, that's a pretty standard resume for a politician.

But wait, you haven't heard the best part. A few years ago, Byron had his middle name legally changed to (Low Tax), including the parentheses, so he could be listed that way on the voting booth ballot. Would you vote for a Tax Assessor merely for that reason or would you conclude that this is one Loopy Looney Tunes Looper who would be better off being voted into the funny farm? As you might expect, most of the voters chose Option A. Now, Byron will have to change his middle name from (Low Tax) to (Low Blow) or (Lower Bunk In The Jail Cell). The voters ought to change theirs to (Low Intelligence).

But Byron does have the makings of a campaign strategy that would solve many problems for us. Let's dispense with those ignorant voters entirely. Throw the power-crazed politicians into a ring with each other. Only one is allowed to leave. Let them bring their choice of weapons - nasty name calling, sticks and stones, guns, knives, or nuclear devices. We get entertained while being assured that our leaders can take a punch and remain standing. They get what they deserve.

I'm rooting for Grandpa Munster.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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