Creep of the Week - October 3, 1998
This week, yet another self-appointed hen-house-guarding fox weighed in with his expert opinion. Ross Perot, the nearly forgotten losing presidential candidate, joined the Monica publicity bandwagon by bringing up a new aspect of it - one on which Ross is a proven authority - craziness. "The president is mentally and emotionally unstable," he says, "this guy's brain's not working correctly." Not only that, but Ross has a theory on what's causing it: "Either he's got mental troubles, or he does something like take drugs to spin him out from time to time." Spin him out? Ross didn't explain that remark, but pointed to a Columbian drug cartel and a Russian drug smuggler as the sources for Bill's stash and said we'd better "ask him to make his medical records public" so we can get to the bottom of this important issue.
As usual, Ross has a plan to help. He's organizing "the largest petition drive from the grassroots of America in history" to call for Bill's resignation. After these millions of signatures are collected, Ross will personally lead a truck convoy across the country to deliver them to Washington. "The truck convoy will get longer and longer, and as it approaches Washington it's going to be a big one. Again, we will have a dignified turning-in ceremony and a candlelight vigil." Can you imagine Ross being involved in anything that could be remotely described as dignified?
Ross had one last comment that's sure to get him into the good graces of the moral, upstanding people he claims to represent: "Sooner or later the American people will wake up. All they have heard is, 'Let's forgive, let's forgive. The Bible tells us to forgive.' It's the silliest stuff I have ever heard on television."
Really, Ross? How about your statement that you were quitting the 1992 presidential race because the Republicans were plotting to disrupt your daughter's wedding? Or the one about the armed killers hired by Iranians you saw running across your front yard. Don't forget the sight of you getting your ass kicked by Al Gore in a debate on the NAFTA treaty. Al Gore! And spending $100 million of your own money on two failed presidential campaigns which yielded a combined total of zero electoral votes hardly qualifies you as a paragon of sanity.
Compared to Ross, Bill Clinton looks like a stable and brilliant leader. In fact, compared to Ross, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden and Charles Manson look like stable and brilliant leaders. Who's next? OJ Simpson calling Bill a bad husband? The Indians clamoring for Bill's bloody scalp ought to collect a few from their own tribe first.
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