Creep of the Week - September 26, 1998

Image: American Gothic

The 'Oh My God, They Had Sex!' Crowd
"Puritan Pandemonium"
I haven't heard so much sanctimonious pontificating about sex since second grade when Sister Mary Frances used to tell us God would make our little pee-pees fall off if we even thought about doing something bad with them. Mine is still attached, so I have to conclude that the good Sister's agenda was somewhat clouded by her own hang-ups and motivations. Interest in and discussion of other people's sex lives brings out the worst in people. Turn on the evening news or hang around the water cooler these days and your ears will soon be filled with heaping helpings of haughty horseshit such as: Get your hands out of your pants and cut the crap. What was Bill Clinton's original motivation? Lust. Preserving his youth. Making up for his teenage years when he was the fat kid and girls wouldn't pay any attention to him. What was his motivation in lying about it? Avoiding acute political embarrassment. Avoiding an ass-kicking from Hillary. These are not personal attributes that make up a role model for children to emulate. But they're very human. And they didn't really do any damage to anyone but himself and his family.

Contrast Bill's behavior with those who have wanted to destroy him since he first made the national scene. What motivates the likes of Jerry Falwell, Lucianne Goldberg, Linda Tripp, Richard Mellon Scaife, John Whitehead or Dan "Scumbag" Burton? Hate. Pure, blinding, all-consuming, I-won't-stop-till-he's-dead hatred. The same stuff that causes wars. I'll trust a guy who's driven by lust before I'll turn my back on some hate-monger from hell.

Image: John Whitehead And what's behind the hate? Strip away all the posturing and grandstanding and soapboxing and you have a pathetic pack of puritans whose genitals haven't seen the light of day in years (if ever) and who can't stand the thought of anyone having sex in any form while they're on the steamy sidelines. Have a look at this picture of John Whitehead, Paula Jones' benefactor and pimp. Just look at him! How long do you think it's been since he got laid? Did you think any young lady anywhere ever showed him the strap of her thong underwear? No wonder he's so pissed off! And you know there's not a man alive (or dead) who would even attempt to get an erection within five miles of Linda Tripp, even to win a prize in one of those sweathog contests.

Do you have any skeletons in the closet? Have you ever done anything embarrassing that you wouldn't want the whole world to know about? Anything at all? Something that would be really hard to explain in a legal deposition or under oath? Would you like every sordid detail discussed on CNN and joked about on late night TV and published on the internet for all to laugh at? Could you withstand the scrutiny of a special prosecutor who went through every aspect of your private life and filled 36 boxes full on dirt on you? No? Then maybe you should lower your voice about how disgusting Bill Clinton is.

And be honest. You don't have to admit this out loud, but be honest with yourself in the dark recesses of your heart. At the moment you first heard the cigar story, you thought "Oooh baby!" Didn't you?

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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