Creep of the Week - September 12, 1998

Assorted Starr Report Creeps
"Glass Housing Complex"

• Ken Starr - Hey Ken, why is there no mention of Whitewater, the FBI files, or the Travel Office firings anywhere in that entire 36 boxes worth of stuff you dropped off? Wasn't that why they hired you in the first place? Prior to the breaking of this sex scandal last January, you spent three years and $30 million dollars doing something. What was it? Ken? Anything you'd like to say?

• Helen Chenoweth - What's worse than an adulterer who commits perjury? How about a hypocrite? Helen, a right-wing Republican congresswoman from Idaho, has made a career of bombastic, high-and-mighty pronouncements about family values. She was first elected in 1994 after her opponent admitted to an affair. In this year's campaign, she has aired ads demanding Clinton's resignation declaring, "I believe that personal conduct and integrity does matter." It turns out that while Helen was spewing this drivel out of one side of her mouth, she was sucking on a married man with the other. What does she say now that her own sexual escapades have seen the light of day? "I've asked for God's forgiveness and I've received it." Sound like anyone else you've heard lately?

• Dan "Scumbag" Burton - Dan, a Republican congressman from Indiana, has long been displaying his clownish lack of intelligence with such antics as releasing edited tapes of Webb Hubbell's prison conversations, trying to prove Vince Foster was murdered by shooting at watermelons in his backyard, and calling Clinton that infamous name which is a synonym for a used rubber. Perhaps Dan should have used one himself. He got his mistress pregnant, a fact which only recently came to light, causing Dan to issue a tearful mea culpa. Again, it sounded awfully familiar.

  Hear ye, hear ye, all you holier-than-thou stone throwers who want to let your bile loose on Bill. Make sure your own sphincter is sparkling clean and fresh as a daisy. Any hidden hemorrhoids (or even dingleberries) are going to make you look pretty bad when the proctologists get through with their examinations.

• Members of Congress who rail on about our innocent children being exposed to pornography on the internet and push legislation to restrict its free flow of information. Then these same overseers of our moral values vote overwhelmingly to put this report there. Can't have it both ways, guys.

• And of course, Bill and Monica. Thanks a lot, kids. For the rest of my life, I won't be able to enjoy a fine cigar without wondering where it's been.

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