Creep of the Week - July 11, 1998

Image: Northern Ireland Streets

The Orange Order
"Orange They Being Arseholes?"
Update - July 12, 1998 - The Orange Order were named Creep of the Week before the firebombing that burned three young Catholic boys to death in their beds. Just what term do you use to describe guys who kill children so they can have a parade?
First, a little personal history. Unlike most of the participants in Northern Ireland's centuries-old hate war between the Protestants and the Catholics, I have been a member of both religions and have at various times been actively involved in church life at each. Guess what I found out? There's not a dime's worth of difference between them. The areas of disagreement center on bingo, alcohol, what hymns you can sing, who you can have sex with, and whether you can go to church on Saturday night and have it count. That's it. Both religions have the same Bible and the same Savior. This isn't The Jews versus The Islamic Fundamentalists or even The Klu Klux Klan versus The Black Panthers. Protestants and Catholics should be on the same side. I'm firmly in favor of standing up for your beliefs, but there's a line between fighting for what you believe in and just being an asshole. And The Orange Order have crossed the Asshole Line by quite a few giant orange steps.

The Orangemen are a group of Protestants in Northern Ireland who have annual parades to celebrate a battle in the 1600's where Protestant King William kicked King James's Catholic ass. The parades have become increasingly contentious over the years and the neighborhoods the Orange Boys march through have become increasingly Catholic. This year, to head off some violence, and in the spirit of the new Northern Ireland peace accord approved by 70% of the voters, the Parades Commission ruled that the Orange Order could not march down Garvaghy Road in the Catholic neighborhood of Portadown, near Belfast. The appropriate response from a religious order of Orange guys might be some spirited prayer, or some blustery speeches from some ministers, or even an emergency call to The Promise Keepers.

Instead, the Orangemen have spent the past week in quaint-sounding places acting with less Christian love than even The Southern Baptists:

Image: Orange Order Leaders Just who are these bozos? A pack of young, rabble-rousing louts with painted faces and spears, shooting the moon and screaming like Mel Gibson? No, check 'em out! They're old, bald guys wearing suits who read the morning paper just like any respectable British gentlemen. These are the leaders of the Orange Order whose message is the standard "Well you know I don't approve of the violence, but it's these damn commoners! Better let them march where they want cause they're out of control!" They've been threatening to paralyze the country and have another Bloody Sunday, but at the same time, refuse to discuss the situation with the Catholic residents of the area. The Catholics, in contrast, aren't making speeches, just a succinct "No talk, no walk", and back to bingo.

I have a new peace proposal that will gain the approval of 100% of the voters. If they're really interested in stopping marauding, religious zealots from prowling unwanted in the streets, how about the Protestants and Catholics banding together to start picking off those obnoxious, door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses. That sure would make my neighborhood more peaceful.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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