Creep of the Week - July 4, 1998

Image: Ken Starr

Ken Starr
"Whining Whitewater Weasel"
Update - January 30, 1999 - Much to my horror, the judicial decision described in the piece below, which rebukes Ken Starr for running such a slipshod operation, was just overturned. That development certainly doesn't change the fact that Ken is a Creep of major proportions. In fact, everything I wrote about him still stands the test of time, even if the original ruling didn't. It just goes to show that while the impeachment trial may soon fizzle out, Ken will be poking his proctologistic stun gun up people's asses for years to come.
OK, Ken, the party's over. During his four-year, gluttonous swine feeding at the Whitewater public trough, Ken's chowed down $40 million in taxpayer money, and has nothing but pig shit to show for it. Yeah, he crucified some low level horse thieves, but he has yet to accuse his primary targets, Bill and Hillary Clinton, of anything. Four years. $40 million. Nothing. These facts would indicate, to people of average intelligence that, A) There's nothing there, B) Ken is completely incompetent, C) He's on a vendetta to get the Clintons or D) All of the above.

Although Ken's Whitewater investigation has been in the toilet for quite some time, this week he received a public swirley from U.S. District Judge James Robertson, who dismissed Ken's recent indictment of Webster Hubbell on tax evasion charges. Webb, a longtime friend and business partner of both Clintons, has become one of Ken's favorite whipping boys. He's already served 18 months in prison, and Ken continues to pressure him to squeal on his pals by using harassing tactics like the tax charges.

For those of you unfamiliar with legalese, here's a sampling of the Judge's remarks about Ken's indictment and a translation into language we can all understand:

What The Judge Said Translation
"The subpoena served on Mr. Hubbell was the quintessential fishing expedition." Ken is drunk and disorderly as well as an embarrassment to the legal profession.
"He has identified no common witnesses, described no similar patterns of conduct, cited no similar applicable law." We deserve better for $40 million.
Starr "built his case against Mr. Hubbell using 13,120 pages of records that Mr. Hubbell was compelled to produce under subpoena." You made poor, pathetic Webb go out and dig his own grave while promising not to throw him in it.
Those documents "allowed the independent counsel to build a case against Mr. Hubbell different in all material respects from the case for which they had been subpoenaed." Then you accused him of desecrating the cemetery by digging the hole.
"Mr. Hubbell was thereby turned into the primary informant against himself." You had Webb's balls in a vise and wanted him to fuck himself.
"Scary" Gestapo-like tactics normally used by jack-booted thugs.

This decision follows some other notable rebukes to Ken's authority recently, including a ruling against his notion that the attorney-client privilege ends when the client dies, and the release of Susan McDougal, another of Ken's torture victims, from jail for health reasons.

So if Ken has nowhere else to go with Whitewater, why is he still in business? Monica, of course. After six months of that investigation, it looks like Ken has hearsay evidence of Clinton committing perjury and no evidence that he engaged in obstruction of justice. His entire case is made up of tapes made by Linda "Judas Iscariot" Tripp, who crawled out of her hole this week to testify at Ken's grand jury. While all the other witnesses dragged before Ken have come with the enthusiasm one reserves for a visit to the proctologist, Linda was creaming her jumbo-sized panties for a chance to do so. This conniving, vindictive, treacherous, book-peddling, sorry excuse for a human being is the only thing Ken has come up with to further his case. I'll take Oval Office blow jobs over that any day.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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