Creep of the Week - May 2, 1998
This week, Daniel Jones, an HIV-positive genetic experiment gone wrong, decided he'd had enough of hassles from the medical profession and cleaning up after his dog. He decided to solve both problems and make an LA-style Public Statement at the same time. Daniel parked his pickup truck, with the dog inside, on a freeway off-ramp and called 911 to let them know that a Hollywood Moment was imminent. Over the course of the next half-hour, he pulled out a banner that said "HMOs are in it for the money - Live free, love safe or die!" which he placed on the road for all to see. For his finale, Daniel set the truck on fire, incinerating the dog, then walked a few steps away and shot himself in the head with a rifle. Rush hour traffic patterns and the dead dog would seem to be the only casualties of this affair worth worrying about, right?
Well, no. Those TV news helicopters that followed OJ around haven't been in mothballs since then. They've been flying around every day, making a ritual of looking for the highlights of LA life like police shoot-outs, bank robberies and Monica Lewinsky in tight clothes sashaying from her father's house to her lawyer's limo. As soon as these guys heard about Daniel's hijinks, they flew over and broadcast the whole thing live. Two of the stations interrupted children's after-school programs to show Daniel blowing his head off. The telephone switchboards at the TV stations lit up in protest. The kids screamed, "I want my Animaniacs!" OJ is pissed that he no longer holds the "Most Bizarre Voyeuristc TV Show" award. The rest of us were relieved that Barbara Walters wasn't involved this time.
KTLA news director Jeff Wald wasn't impressed with any of the criticism: "We're not in the censorship business. We are in the news business. It is our duty to tell people what is going on." Well then, what's next, Jeff? Televised rape, child abuse or ax murders? Does everyone now have a right to kill themselves live on TV?
Hey, not a bad idea! How about we eliminate a few of those ridiculous cable channels that no one ever watches (Travel, Food, Chess, VH1, etc.) and add the Suicide Channel! Everyone gets a few minutes to vent their sphincters over whatever is driving them to the edge and then BOOM! Good-bye! One less malcontent! Entertainment for bored couch potatoes! No more interrupted Rugrats!
Where's OJ when you really want to see him on TV?
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