Creep of the Week - February 14, 1998

The Clinton Haters
"Choking On Their Own Swill"

It hasn't happened. The Clinton Haters have seen their blood pressures soar to record highs just like Bill's approval ratings. They can't understand how the public can be so stupid. How is this possible? What's wrong with this country?

Have a look in the mirror, boys and girls.

The Clinton Haters have cried wolf - or pig, or snake - once too often. First they became hysterical about Whitewater, a 15-year-old obscure land deal that no one can explain despite Al D'Amato's two year investigation and Ken Starr's four year investigation. What have they been able to pin on the Clintons after spending all that time and money? NOTHING! Then there was Travelgate, Filegate and Campaign Finance Gate. NOTHING! Still not content, the most radical of these slimebags have concocted a series of conspiracy theories that the Clintons are responsible for killing Vince Foster, Ron Brown, a bunch of their fellow drug runners in Arkansas, as well as Princess Diana, Elvis Presley and Jesus Christ. Now that they've spent the last few weeks trumpeting the Monica affair, which is probably true, how is the public responding?

With a yawn, and with more intelligence than the Clinton Haters have shown themselves. Americans may find Bill's alleged behavior disgusting, but here a few things that seem to disgust them more:

• Hauling Monica's mother, Marcia Lewis, in front of the grand jury, forcing her to testify about conversations she had with her daughter. Why aren't the "Get the government out of our private lives, Waco was an abomination" zealots screaming about this? And where are the Family Values promoters? Virtues Virtuoso and Self-Appointed National Chaperone Bill Bennett has been making the rounds of the talk shows harrumphing about our moral decline. He thinks parents should be there for their kids. Why isn't he angry that when Marcia was there for her daughter, Ken Starr nailed her for it?
• Linda Tripp, Monica's "friend", and Lucianne Goldberg, a book agent whose clients include such paragons of rectitude as Mark Fuhrman, conspiring illegally to record conversations with Monica. Can't you just see Linda and Lucianne with black hats and warts on their noses, brewing up a black caldron of evil swill while shrieking out cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West? Expect to see their book soon.
• Flatulent oafs like Rush Limbaugh flapping their ample jowls about polls they've taken showing how immoral people think Bill is, even though they think he's doing a good job as president. Rush reminds me of the tattle-tales we all used to know in elementary school - "Teacher, teacher, everyone says Bill's been bad!" Rush is the quintessential Ugly American who embodies all the worst characteristics of our citizens in one very large package - Loud, Mean and Bloated.
• Scurrilous scumbags in the media reporting every rumor and leak as fact and doing it 24 hours a day. The new Internet media luminary is Matt Drudge, a sociopathic computer geek who operates a political gossip web site without a shred of integrity or regard for the truth. Matt is being sued by a Clinton aide who he falsely accused of wife-beating. Guess who's financing Matt's legal defense fund? Richard Mellon Scaife, of Ron Brown murder conspiracy fame. And have you ever seen anything more obnoxious than ABC's Sam Donaldson barking out pious, belligerent questions at a White House press briefing?

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