Creep of the Week - January 17, 1998

Henry Cisneros and Linda Jones
"Bye Bye Love, Career, Fortune and Freedom"

But some guys aren't nearly as skilled at that game. Remember Gary Hart? Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Wilbur Mills? They and countless others have lost their jobs, reputations, dreams and lots of money - all because they wanted to spend a few minutes (or seconds) burrowing in the neighbor's Snatch Patch. This week's entry into the "My Schwantz Led Me Astray" Hall of Fame is Henry Cisneros, Clinton's former Housing Secretary. In 1987, when he was the mayor of San Antonio, Texas, and a rising star in the Democratic party, he began an affair with Linda Medlar Jones, pictured above. They were together for three years before they got caught and ended their relationship. At that point, Henry began making payments to Linda which she says was hush-money and he says was sorry-I-screwed-you money. Those payments became public as well, but that still didn't stop Henry from being nominated for the Housing Secretary position.

That's when his golden touch began to turn into something a little more brown in color. The FBI asked Henry about the payments during the standard background check they do on every Cabinet nominee. Henry told them he had paid about $60,000 to Linda over the years. She corroborated that figure. The real number was about $250,000. When you lie to your spouse and get found out, you may have to spend a few nights sleeping on the couch. But when you lie to the FBI, you will spend quite a few nights sleeping on a jail cell cot. Linda pleaded guilty this week and was sentenced to 3 1/2 years in federal prison. Henry was indicted last month on similar charges and faces trial later this year.

Why lie about the amount? Cockiness? Stupidity? So his wife wouldn't find out? Henry probably thought he had this one licked, but guess what the big break for the prosecutors in this case was? You guessed it, Linda sold her story (and her soul) to "Inside Edition" for $15,000. Hopefully, she put it in the bank to make some interest while she makes license plates.

Henry and Linda forgot a basic fact of celebrity life. The public will accept a certain amount of tomfoolery from their celebrities, but there is a limit. Cross that line, and all your riches and fame go down the toilet while the rest of us have our hands on the handle, flushing like crazy and cackling with glee. It may be too late for those two, but for anyone else contemplating something outrageous, study this chart of acceptable and non-acceptable behavior:

If You Are	You Can Get Away With	You Can't Get Away With
An Entertainer	Marrying your step-daughter Getting caught with a hooker or transvestite in your car	Wanking it in a porno theatre
A Religious Leader	Using scare tactics to extort millions of dollars from little old ladies who can't afford it Making libelous videotapes about your political enemies	Getting caught with a hooker or transvestite in your car
A Politician	Arrogance Hypocrisy Treating your constituents like the dazed and confused cretins they probably are	Skiing head first into a tree
A Sports Athlete	Beating up your girlfriend Throwing a guy through a plate glass window in a bar Choking your coach	Bad stats
A Sports Announcer	Having an sickening wife Making a obnoxious fool of yourself on national TV Killing people	Biting
In The Military	Having heterosexual marital sex in the missionary position with someone of your own rank without making any noise Killing people	Letting AOL know you're gay

[ Next Week | Last Week | Creep Home Page | John Montgomery's Home Page ]