Creep of the Week - January 10, 1998

Image: The Kennedys and The Giffords

Kathie Lee Gifford
"Find All The Dysfunctional Families In This Picture"
You'd think she would have learned to shut up by now. Every time Kathie Lee Gifford prattles on about how she doesn't hire sweatshop labor to make her clothes anymore, another group of 31-cent-an-hour underage workers shows up. After years of running off her mouth about how wonderful her marriage was, husband Frank got caught on camera getting some strange in a hotel room. But she's still at it. Granted, 99% of what Kathie Lee says on her show is meaningless, syrupy glop that sends anyone with an IQ over 85 into a week-long hyperactive sugar-induced fit. But every once in a while, she feels the need to make a STATEMENT! She gets all pouty and teary, starting quietly and then building up to a crescendo, crying out for justice as her emotions get splattered all over your TV screen. When she finally climaxes, she's panting and moaning and rolling on the floor in passion.

This week's sermon was in defense of Michael Kennedy, her recently departed step-son-in-law. Michael, who was married to Frank's daughter Victoria, hit a tree and died New Year's Eve while playing football on skis. Kathie Lee took the media to task for reporting that Michael's affair with his children's babysitter started when the sitter was 14 years old. No, Kathie assured us, Michael didn't actually start poking her until she was 16. "Now, that does not mean that what he did was right,'' but it means that his actions were not criminal, and "his children deserve to know that!'' she cried. And then the tearful coupe-de-grace: "It may give you headlines and it may give you some ratings, but it damages people's lives and it's irresponsible and the press has to look at these things!''

After such an Awesome Moment, it's easy to predict what happens next. Regis gets a sick look on his face that says, "They're paying me millions of dollars to listen to this crap and I feel like such a whore!" The mindless automatons in the audience start applauding on queue like trained seals. And for the finale, Kathie Lee, barely able to speak through her blubbering lips, beseeches us to pray for her latest cause.

OK, I'll offer up a brief prayer: "Sweet Jesus, save me from vomiting all over this keyboard!" That asshole spent several years committing adultery with a teenager in the bed he shared with his wife. When he finally got caught, he blamed alcoholism, and the only reason he didn't get thrown in jail with the rest of the pedophiles was that his family was able to intimidate and/or pay off the babysitter so she wouldn't cooperate with the prosecutors. And it's the press that's damaging people's lives?

Just so you don't think I'm an unfeeling, heartless bastard: Yes, it's a tragedy that a 39-year-old father of three died suddenly and Yes, the Kennedys have had to endure more than their fair share of heartache and misery over the years. But Michael died doing what he spent most of his life doing: acting stupid. Feel sorry for him? No, he would have been better off in jail where there's no skiing allowed. Feel sorry for his wife? She dumped him months ago. How about his kids? At least now they have a chance to grow up without following a role model who thinks it's perfectly fine to stick his dick into any available crevice at will. Of course, their Grandpa thinks the same thing.

Speaking of whom, Kathie Lee's new "It's OK as long as she's 16" rule is good news for Frank. He can now expand his acceptable age range by about 30 years. It's also good news for the future suitors of Frank and Kathie Lee's 4-year-old daughter Cassidy. Hey, all you married guys - get out your calculators and see how old you'll be when she turns 16. And what does little Cody think about all this? Cody? Where are you, boy?

Oh, he'll be right back as soon as he finishes the seam on that dress.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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