Creep of the Week - November 29, 1997
The only bad thing about those old magic shows of my youth is that there would always be at least one guy (usually named Leon) who thought he was smarter than the magician. "I know how he does that!" this miscreant would scream out while everyone else was trying to enjoy the trick. Then he'd go on to explain his theory very loudly and rudely, whether anyone else was interested or not. In almost every case, the magician stayed cool and had some further trick up his sleeve that would show the crowd that the obnoxious kid didn't know what he was talking about which would shut him up, at least temporarily. What do you suppose happens to loud-mouthed, know-it-all, spoil-the-party killjoys like Leon when they grow up?
They go to work for Fox TV. That is the successful upstart network that popularized those mindless "America's Stupidest, Shameless Idiots Who Make Videos of Themselves Acting Like Total Assholes Just to Prove to Millions of Viewers How Far Some People Will Degrade Themselves In Order To Get on TV" episodes and the talk shows featuring those "I Was Having Oral Sex With My Daughter's Girl Scout Leader Until I Found Out She Was a Lesbian" stories. This week, Fox put on "Breaking the Magician's Code: Magic Revealed!", a show which revealed the secrets behind some of the most famous magic tricks ever presented like Levitation, Sawing a Woman in Half, and the old Switch Places With the Assistant Who's Been Padlocked, Bagged and Thrown in a Trunk routine.
When this show came on, I was doing what I normally do at that time of the week - sitting in a bar getting primed to watch Monday Night Football on ABC. But this time, my fellow bar patrons "voted" to watch this abomination instead. Thinking it was just another magic show, I grumbled, but prepared to enjoy myself. When I saw what was happening, I quickly cast an evil spell on the entire establishment and left to find more civilized fare.
How could a thing like this happen? The very first rule you learn when you become a magician is NEVER REVEAL THE SECRET OF THE TRICK. When you know the secret, there's no more magic. It's just sleight of hand or hidden compartments or holes in the floor. The whole show becomes just some ridiculous guy in a bow tie trying to be something he's not. So who spilled the beans? The "stars" of this show had their identity hidden to protect them from the goons of the Magician's Guild who normally find guys like that and throw them into the river with real padlocks for breaking the Code of Silence. Evidently these particular magicians are just as desperate as America's Stupidest People to get on TV. Now when a magician is trying to mystify an audience, some new young Leon is going to interrupt the proceedings with his informed explanation of the trick, and this time the magician won't have a snappy rejoinder. He'll just have to hang his head, smile sheepishly and try some other way to make a living.
The Leons at Fox managed to ruin any further enjoyment of magic by millions, but there's one trick they didn't explain: How does a geek like David Copperfield get to use his Magic Wand on Claudia Schiffer? Now that is truly a magic trick.
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