Creep of the Week - November 8, 1997

Saddam Hussein
"Camel Diplomacy"

In 1991, when Saddam invaded Kuwait and threatened to shut off the world's oil supply, it took all of three days for the United States and its allies to kill 20,000 of his Iraqi countrymen and decimate his military. At that point, he agreed to UN restrictions on his abilities to build weapons. Think he learned his lesson? In a camels eye! A year ago we caught him violating those regulations. We dropped a few bombs on him and he went scurrying back to his dark hole where he concocted his latest venture. This week, he refused to allow the American members of the UN inspection teams searching for weapons of mass destruction to perform their duties. "American imperialist spies!" he claims, as he drops his trousers, shoots the moon and screams, "Inspect this!" He's also threatening to shoot down the UN surveillance planes when they resume their missions next week. Clinton and company see little hope of any resolution short of military action. Saddam is getting rave reviews back home for standing up to the the heathen western infidels.

So what happens now? Past bombings haven't influenced Saddam and we seem unable or unwilling to kill him. No, we need to try something different. Maybe we could show him that we're not such bad guys after all. There must be a few American Creeps who Saddam might find to be kindred spirits. We could send a few of these guys over there to occupy his time and mind, which would have the added benefit of getting them off our streets and out of our jails. Here are a few humble suggestions:

• Marv Albert introduces Saddam to the joys of three-way sex (possibly with Barbara Walters). Saddam introduces Marv to a few camels and tells him how they never testify against you in court.
• Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols show Saddam how to use fertilizer bombs to blow up buildings and hundreds of people. Saddam donates tons of camel manure towards their next project which is to blow up Marv's house because he's taken all of Saddam's favorite sex partners.
• Mike Tyson tells Saddam about the joys of eating ear parts. Saddam tries a bite of Mike's ear and immediately renounces his vegetarian diet.
• Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford regale Saddam with all those cute stories about how wonderful their marriage is. Saddam pukes up Mike's ear.
• O.J. Simpson shows Saddam some tricks with knives. Saddam uses the knife to cut off one of O.J.'s ears which he owes to Fred Goldman anyway.
• Michael Kennedy and Nushawn Williams take Saddam to the stables to look for young camels. They encounter Marv who warns them, "Not with my daughter!"
• Ross Perot and Saddam have an "I'm Crazier Than You" contest by comparing their paranoid conspiracy theories.
  • Ross: "The Republicans tried to disrupt my daughter's wedding!"
  • Saddam: "The Yankees are using the inspections to prepare for their attack!"
  • Ross: "They kept me out of the debates cause they were scared of my Texas twang!"
  • Saddam: "The camels haven't been as friendly since Marv came to town!"
  They declare themselves joint winners and celebrate by joining Marv, Michael and Nushawn in the stables.

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