Creep of the Week - September 27, 1997

The IRS
"IRS = I'm Really Shafted"

At various times in my life I've been an income tax preparer. Most of the people who were willing to pay me to do their taxes for them had the intelligence and knowledge to do it themselves, but wanted a "professional" to do it for them anyway. Why? Fear. Paralyzing, mind-numbing fear that they would run afoul of some arcane tax law and spend the rest of their lives living in a refrigerator carton on the street corner, begging for spare change, 80% of which would have to go to the IRS to pay off their crushing tax bill. "Please, sir, I'll give you whatever you want, just don't let those heartless bastards get me!"

In recent years, the IRS has tried to soften its image by running semi-humorous ad campaigns like the one shown on the left, but you can be sure they didn't fool anyone into letting their guard down. The IRS is the all-powerful dark force, not to be messed with or antagonized.

With all that power and ability to steal your money, who would have thought they'd need resort to breaking the law themselves? This week, the Senate Finance Committee began hearings into IRS abuse against taxpayers and the stories told there show how naive we've really been. The Committee heard from victimized taxpayers who've had their lives ruined by agency harassment and even from IRS agents who had their identities hidden like mafia informants and their voices electronically altered to sound like Porky Pig. We found out that the IRS is not only incompetent and scary, it's just plain evil. Here's a sampling:

• Middle and lower class citizens are singled out for auditing because they can't afford to fight back.
• IRS management manipulates income-tax-return figures just to increase their office or division collection statistics.
• The Whipsaw Technique - The IRS files liens against the friends or family of those who owe back taxes.
• IRS employees who are not in the criminal investigation division are given false identification so they are more effective at intimidating taxpayers.
• Auditors are instructed not to conduct audits of particular taxpayers who happen to be personal friends of someone in IRS management.
• IRS workers commonly pull up secret taxpayer records to check on prospective boyfriends or even team coaches.

The first thing the IRS needs is a good strong, visible leader. Someone with a history of lying to the public. A man who looks like Mr. Nice Guy on the outside, but who is no stranger to sleaze or even violence when it's called for. A famous person recently dumped onto the unemployment line who badly needs a new career and reputation. It's obvious - Marv Albert for IRS Commissioner!

Think of the possibilities! Unsuspecting taxpayers arrive at a hotel room for an audit. They are greeted by Commissioner Marv dressed in women's panties (with the IRS logo) and a garter belt. That alone would be enough to make most people cough up whatever they owe and run off screaming into the night. Those who remain will be treated to Marv rubbing himself against them moaning, "I want relief ... tax relief." Even the most brazen tax scofflaws will give up at that point. However, for that very slim minority who just don't understand the full power of the IRS, Commissioner Marv will bare his teeth and do what he does best, bringing whole new meaning to the phrase "bitten by the IRS."

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