Creep of the Week - July 26, 1997
There's no doubt that Autumn is guilty of extortion. They recorded her on the phone with Bill's lawyer threatening to go public with her claims that America's Favorite Dad was Really Dad unless he coughed up $40 million. The proposed Globe headline? "My deadbeat billionaire dad has thrown me away.'' That might have brought her some sympathy, but instead she managed to look like a mercenary vulture by flying to New York to pick up the cash only two days after Bill's son Ennis was killed in Los Angeles by a crazed Ukranian teenager. That was only the start of her bad planning. Her meeting with the lawyer turned out to be an FBI sting operation. As soon as she signed an agreement to receive the loot, she was arrested along with three members of her extortion entourage. Her story? She only wanted a father and what was rightfully hers. "Dad, can I have the car keys and $40 million?" Good riddance, Autumn. Maybe Bill can use his Hollywood influence to get you a part in one of those erotic women-in-prison movies.
But what about Father Bill, what are we do to with him? This is the author of "Fatherhood", a best-selling book containing a lot of preaching about what it means to be a Real Father (e.g. "With fulfillment comes responsibility"). Can't you just hear him recount his romance with Autumn's mother, Shawn Upshaw, in one of those smug comedy routines of his? Picture him onstage, dressed in a cardigan, chewing on a cigar, giving us an excerpt from his new album "To My Girlfriend Shawn, Who I Slept With":
"There she was and there I was, see, and I asked her to dance. Just a dance! Some dance that turned out to be! (Laughter) When I got home, I was trying sneak up the stairs to my bedroom, quiet as a mouse, see, when who do I run into? Camille! (Guffaws) She asked me why I smelled like perfume and my shirt was wrinkled and my fly was down. (Cackles) 'Well, you see, Camille, (Titters) I just happened to be standing in the street minding my own business when suddenly I had to pee really bad. I mean Really Bad! (Loud laughter) So I unzipped (Catcalls) and proceeded with my ... business (Whoops) when all of a sudden a lady runs into me! Her purse opens and everything falls out all over my shirt!' (Groans) I managed to fool Camille, see, but what do you suppose Shawn says to me when I saw her again three years later? Bill, here's your daughter! (Screeches of delight) I looked at her and said 'I'll be your father figure but I'm not your father!' (Rolling in the aisles)"
Give us a break, Bill. The next time you feel the urge to stuff some of that condescending family-man crap down our throats, just stuff it instead.
And since everyone's been airing their dirty laundry, it's time my nasty story was told publicly. Since I haven't received the check I demanded from Sophia Loren, it's time the world knows that she's my mother. Yes, I was a love child resulting from a one night stand she had with Peter Sellers. That's why I have such a keen sense of humor to go along with my dark Mediterranean good looks, not to mention an uncanny ability to speak Italian with a French accent. But does all that make me happy? No. Sophia won't fess up. She refuses to call me "Son". All I want from my mother is some homemade pasta, but my life's been one can of Chef Boyardee after another. Mama Mia Sophia!
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