Creep of the Week - July 12, 1997

Image: Michael Kennedy

Michael Kennedy
"You Relax, Dear, I'll Take the Babysitter Home"
For three generations, the Kennedys of Massachusetts have been successful in finance and politics. Their escapades with women have been a bit more unconventional, but they've always been just as successful at escaping unscathed from any consequences. The patriarch, Old Man Joe, set an example for his sons by bringing his Hollywood girlfriends, like Gloria Swanson, over to dinner while his wife looked on and pretended nothing was amiss. John and Bobby, lucky enough to live in an era when "indiscretions" didn't appear on the cover of the tabloids, passed around the sexiest woman of the day, Marilyn Monroe, like one of the footballs they used to toss back and forth at Hyannis Port. It was Teddy, of course, who managed the Greatest Escape from trouble. His girlfriend drowned when he drove off the bridge at Chappaquiddick but after some garbled explanations and a few weeks in a neck brace, all was forgiven. The next generation down has carried on in the grand family tradition. Cousin Steven Smith was accused of rape but acquitted. Bobby's son Joe II has an ex-wife who is now travelling around the country railing against him and the Catholic church for treating her badly during their marriage and subsequent annulment.

But for all their philandering, the Kennedy men were always careful that their paramours were consenting adults. Until now.

Michael Kennedy, another of Bobby's sons, has been accused of having an affair with his children's babysitter starting when she was 14 years old. The young lady in question, who is now 19 and described as an Alicia Silverstone replica, has refused to cooperate with the investigation. Michael's now-estranged wife Victoria also refused. As a result, prosecutors this week dropped all charges. Another Great Escape. He immediately apologized, blamed alcohol and now goes on to bigger and better things, like brother Joe's campaign for governor, which Michael's troubles were threatening to screw up.

But let's have some understanding for the poor guy. He was just a child when his father was killed, and who has he had since then to show him the ropes? Uncle Teddy stepped in as surrogate father and when Michael did finally settle down with a wife, who became his father-in-law? None other than family man extraordinaire Frank Gifford! Can you imagine the man-to-man talks these guys have had? "Hey Michael, Kathie Lee and I have been looking for a new babysitter. Any suggestions?"

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not condemning Michael with any morality based "how could he do something so sick" schtick. There are a few teenage Alicia Silverstone replicas who fill my fantasy world. But unlike the Kennedys, my fantasies and reality don't often coincide. If I were to try something like that, there'd be no Great Escape. Here's what would happen:

  1. My Alicia would not only cooperate with the prosecutors, she'd also tell all to The Globe, The Enquirer, Hardcopy and her high school yearbook.
  2. I would lose my wife, my family, my job, my house, all my possessions, and most of my friends.
  3. The friends I did have left would only be hanging around to see when I was going to post the pictures on the web page.
  4. I'd take a state sponsored trip to ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! where I'd meet my new roommate named Leroy.
  5. After losing everything, I would gain something while in prison - a Size 13 Asshole.
  6. Once I got out of jail, I'd be put on one of those lists of sexual offenders which would cause me to be driven out of any place I lived by angry parents for years to come.
Oh, to be in Camelot!
Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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