Creep of the Week - July 5, 1997

Image: Mike Tyson Bites Evander Holyfield

Mike Tyson
"From a Champ to a Chomp Chump"
Mike Tyson used to be one of the most awesome athletic specimens in all of sports. He was Iron Mike who simply annihilated his opponents in the boxing ring, not in the Mohammed Ali float-like-a-butterfly style, but by just standing flat-footed and punching his way to victory like a common thug. One night early in his career, I invited the guys over to watch a fight between Mike and Michael Spinks. As the first round started, I was still adjusting the TV and some of the other guys were making quick trips to the kitchen and bathroom for some last minute business. We all missed the fight. Spinks was on his back counting sheep in less than 60 seconds. The pizza boxes were still un-opened, the beer was still in the refrigerator, and Mike hadn't even broken a sweat.

But he's sweating now.

As everyone now knows, this week Mike turned his heavyweight title boxing match with Evander Holyfield into a three-round, two-course dinner featuring a low fat, low cholesterol, high fiber diet - Evander's ears. Even after having watched the replay a dozen times, it's hard to believe. Mike chowed down and Evander jumped up with an incredulous look that said (filtered through his Born Again Christian vocabulary) "What in the wide world of sports is this gorilla doing?" The ref let the fight continue, deducting two points from Mike. He could have gone on to win the bout, with the biting incident merely a footnote in boxing's bizarre history. But no! Evander, being the good Christian that he is, turned the other ear, and Mike promptly chomped that one, too. Fight over! At that point, Mike went crazy, punching a cop, screaming at fans and starting a riot in the adjoining casino. He's been the heavyweight champion of the world, a reckless driver, a wife beater and a rapist. Now we can add cannibal and stampeding elephant to the list.

Later in the week, Mike held a press conference where he apologized to Evander, the fans, his probation officer, his judge and ear piercers everywhere. He offered the excuse that he just snapped when Evander head-butted him. Actually, with that voice of his sounding like a 1930's starlet, it came out "I'm thorry, I thnapped." So, Mike, you were really mad at Evander? Needed a way to get even? How about pounding the living hell out of him? Isn't that what you were there for? Here are some of Mike's other explanations for his behavior:

So now Mike awaits his fate. What do we do with this guy? Ban him from boxing for life? You don't think a slimy swine like Don King will find a way around that? He'd march Mike into Cambodia to beat up Pol Pot for millions of dollars on Pay-For-View. I might invite the guys over again to watch that.

No, I think we have to match Mike up with one of his own. Let's see ... Jeffery Dahmer's dead ... Hannibal Lecter's fictional ... I got it! How about lunch with Marv Albert? No menus, food, silverware or tables needed. Sink your teeth into that, guys.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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