Creep of the Week - March 1, 1997

Image: Hotel Clinton

Bill Clinton
Meet Bill Clinton, President of the United States, Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, and the Tom Beaudette of the White House. Cough up enough money and you can spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom. You may even be treated to an appearance by The Hotel Manager himself, depending on who you are and how much you coughed up. This week documents were found, in Bill's handwriting, giving the go ahead for renting out the Bedroom, stating the dollar amounts required and benefits to be given. Through an exclusive leak from Kenneth Starr's publicity agent, I received a copy of the memo, which I'm happy to reproduce here as a public service:

If You Are You Get To
Contributing over $10,000 Have coffee with the Head Janitor and the Rose Garden fertilizer guy
Contributing over $20,000 Enter through the back door and eat in the White House mess
Contributing over $30,000 Watch the Lincoln Bedroom maid change the sheets used by the people staying there the night before who contributed more than you did
Contributing over $40,000 Sit on the bed with your feet on the floor
Contributing over $50,000 Spend the night, but you have to bring your own towels and leave before breakfast
Contributing over $75,000 Sleep with Hillary's Grammy award
Contributing over $100,000 Smoke cigars in bed
Female and contributing over $5 Guess how long it will be before Bill shows up in your room using the "Oh, sorry, I was just looking for my pajamas" routine
Female and hot Know what Paula Jones knows
Michael Jackson Sleep with Socks the Cat

Is selling out the White House to the highest bidder illegal? Probably not. Will Bill's political enemies become apoplectic with outrage? Count on it. Will anyone outside of Washington care? Hah! But these antics are unseemly, sleazy, shabby, and of course totally unsurprising coming from this president.

Bill is said to be concerned with his place in history, and is considering an addition at the White House as his legacy. You've heard of the Lincoln Bedroom and the Truman Balcony. Bill will soon be building the Clinton Peephole into the Lincoln Bedroom, to be used when Jane Fonda stays over or when Chelsea has one of her slumber parties. He'll keep the light on for you.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

[ Next Week | Last Week | Creep Home Page | John Montgomery's Home Page ]