Creep of the Week - February 22, 1997

Pat Boone

For more than 40 years, Pat Boone has been filling the airwaves and record grooves with the worst in schlock and dreck. In the 1950's, he became famous by singing sanitized, white bread, Velveeta cheese versions of early black rock & roll songs like Little Richard's "Tutti Frutti" and Fats Domino's "Ain't That A Shame". He sold more records than anyone else but Elvis during that decade, while the originators of his music continued to languish in obscurity.

Pat's most grievous sin against musical taste, of course, was to pass his genes down to his daughter, Debby, whose only hit single, "You Light Up My Life", pretty much ruined the 70's for music lovers. I've always held Debby personally responsible for both punk and disco. Those two movements were spawned to rebel against the musical lameness of the era, which peaked with Debby's hit.

While all this was happening, Pat had renounced rock as Satan's tool and became a star in and a spokesman for Christian music. This decision seemed to suit everyone. The rockers could forget that Pat had ever existed while Pat reveled in being a Christian hero, his true niche in life. This mutually beneficial situation might have gone on forever, but Pat, now 62, had a surprise under his halo for fans and non-fans alike. Late last year, he released a new album of heavy metal rock songs called "Pat Boone in a Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy". It features Pat's schlocked-up versions of metal standards originally done by artists you'd never imagine that he'd even heard of, much less liked: Guns 'n' Roses, Alice Cooper, Led Zeppelin and even Judas Priest. Will wonders never cease! Pat's not such a bad guy after all. He actually has a sense of humor and coolness! Who could have a problem with that? Pat's fundamentalist Christian pals, that's who.

This week, the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN) canceled Pat's weekly gospel music TV program, "Gospel America", stating that thousands of viewers had called in to protest Pat's new musical direction. He had also offended many of his former fans by appearing at the recent American Music Awards in black leather and fake tattoos. Pat was shocked by these developments, whining "I thought everybody saw it for what it was, sort of a parody. The sad part is after 30 years or more of public declaration about being a devout Christian, suddenly so many of those folks decided that I totally sold out and were so quick to judge me."

Well, Ain't That A Shame, Pat. You've aligned yourself with fundamental Christians, one of the most notoriously humorless and intolerant groups in existence. They've been paying your bills for the last 30 years, surely you must have learned a few things about how they think by now. Fundamentalists are fundamentalists, whether they're Christians or Islamic, especially with regard to their musical tastes. Sleep with the wolves, and you're bound to get bitten in the ass eventually.

Pat now has to appear on TBN with his pastor to "explain himself", sort of a modern day heresy trial. Give 'em Tutti Frutti, Pat. I don't understand why fundamentalist Christians wouldn't like a song called "Stairway to Heaven" anyway.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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