Creep of the Week - February 8, 1997

O.J. Simpson

They finally nailed him. Too little and too late, to be sure, but OJ Simpson is now legally liable for the wrongful deaths of two people. He has to pay $8.5 million and the jury is now deliberating on punitive damages. The 1996 Creep of the Year will spend the rest of his life being financially harassed by the families of his victims. He will continue to plead poverty while lawyers crawl up his butt with a microscope for years to come. Hopefully, the rest of us can go on to other things. Maybe we'll even get to watch the State of the Union speech next year without wearing out our thumbs channel surfing.

I think it was the shoes that did him in. Those rare, $160 pair of Bruno Magli shoes that OJ denied he owned ("I wouldn't own a pair of those ugly-ass shoes"), but which showed up on his size-twelve feet in thirty photos taken while he was cavorting with his pals at a football game. If he'd worn his Nike's to the crime scene like most murderers do, he just might have gotten away with it again.

Now that this whole sordid mess has come to some form of conclusion, we'll have to bid a fond farewell to some of the colorful characters who have graced our TV screens throughout the last two-and-a-half years. What will become of them as they drift into "That face looks familiar but I can't quite place it" status?

OJ will find out that those gorgeous white models weren't going out with him because of his irresistible charm.
Now that they have some money coming in, Nicole's sisters can take a break from selling naked pictures of her to the tabloids.
Ron Goldman's sister can go back to pursuing her career doing jeans ads.
Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden will continue to make millions by dropping hints about their love lives and blaming everything on Mark Fuhrman and the other racist bozos in the Los Angeles Police Department.
Johnnie Cochran will defend and win an acquittal for Ennis Cosby's killer by reminding the jury that the dead man's father is an adulterer.
Judge Ito - He's already dropped out of sight. Good man!

And if you're looking for something else to fill you with the urge to defecate, compare OJ's fate with that of Darlie Routier of Texas, another Creep of the Week winner who was charged with a very similar crime - killing two human beings with a knife - in this case, her two sons. Like OJ, she also maintained innocence and claimed a police frame-up. This week, Darlie was found guilty and sentenced to death. She will get strapped into a gurney and have deadly chemicals pumped into her veins until she expires, while OJ will have to play golf at the cheap courses from now on. White trash vs. rich and famous athletic hero? Court appointed lawyer vs. The Dream Team? Incompetent LA police vs. more competent Texas police? If you are contemplating slicing up someone anytime soon, better consult a financial advisor, a social scientist and a publicist first.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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