Creep of the Week - November 16, 1996

Robert Dornan

If you're looking for job security, try the US House of Representatives. Incumbents there have a huge advantage during elections, enjoying a return rate of over 90%. Once they've been there for a few terms, that rate approaches 100%. In short, a veteran Congressman has to be a real flaming moron to lose re-election. Meet this year's flamer, Robert Dornan, Republican of California, lifetime homophobe, bigot and woman hater, and now a losing candidate for Congress.

Robert, or "B-1 Bob" as he likes to call himself, has made a name for himself by making a career full of controversial statements. He accused Bill Clinton of being a KGB agent when he visited Russia while a college student. He called Russian TV commentator Vladimir Posner a "disloyal, betraying little Jew". During the campaign against Loretta Sanchez this year, B-1 said "every lesbian spear-chucker in this country is hoping I get defeated" and called Sanchez "another Catholic for abortion and sodomy rights." Evidently, all the Russian Catholic Jewish lesbian spear-chuckers in the district took offense, because B-1 lost to Sanchez by about 1,000 votes.

Why now? B-1 has been an intolerant hate-monger ever since he came to Congress in 1976, and he's been re-elected by his fans every time. What was different this time? Well, earlier this year, B-1 took his comedy routine on the road, running for the Republican nomination for president. He came in dead last out of a field of ten mediocrities, but managed to bring himself and his district a good bit of attention in the process. His constituents, who formerly felt comfortable enough to return him to office as long as no one else knew how slimy he was, seem to have lost their nerve now that B-1 embarrassed them in front of the whole country.

This week, B-1 took his defeat in characteristic fashion. According to the Book of Bob, the only thing that could have caused someone of his stature to lose the office to which he is divinely entitled is Voter Fraud. "It would be a travesty to have someone who spent 22 years in the Air Force voted out of office by non-citizens," he whined, without offering any evidence. His gracious statement to the woman who beat him was "I will not concede to an inarticulate, flaky, non-qualified person." It seems that he came away from his 22 years in the Air Force without knowing how to act like a gentleman. And that raises some interesting questions about what makes B-1 tick. If he hates women, and he hates men who like other men, who does he like? Men who like women? Little girls? Barnyard animals? How about Purple Cows? Isn't there a poem about how I'd rather see than B-1?

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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