Creep of the Week - October 26, 1996

The FBI

When I was in elementary school, I was fascinated by a book I read about the men of the FBI. They were big guys with big badges who hunted down bad guys like Al Capone and threw them in jail where they couldn't hurt innocent law-abiding citizens like me. The biggest good guy of all was Director J. Edgar Hoover, who started the FBI from scratch and personally nabbed some of these dangerous criminals. Little did I know that at the same time I was eating this stuff up, J. Edgar was filling his days by blackmailing politicians and conducting surveillance of anyone with black skin or long hair. Then he'd rush home to put on high heels and a garter belt for a night out with his "pals", bringing whole new meaning to the Bureau's motto, "The FBI always gets its man."

I don't know if today's FBI officials share J. Edgar's penchant for fashion, but they've done an equally good job of ruining the agency's reputation. This week, the FBI had two of their recent embarrassments come to a head.

In the first, E. Michael Kahoe, the former chief of the Bureau's Violent Crimes and Major Offenders Section, became a Major Offender himself, being charged with obstruction of justice in connection with the Ruby Ridge standoff in 1992. During that catastrophe, federal agents shot and killed two unarmed family members of Randy Weaver, the bad guy they were chasing. E. Michael (that FBI first initial/middle name protocol must be code that only cross-dressers understand) prepared a report on the incident which was critical of the agency, but then destroyed it and pretended that it didn't exist. Stuff like that is what gave rise to militia idiots like Weaver in the first place.

The bombing at this summer's Atlanta Olympics was another of the FBI's disastrous moments. In the blind panic to find a culprit, they publically fingered Richard Jewell, a pathetic security guard who had his entire sorry personal history and lifestyle laid out for all to see and laugh at. The only problem was, the FBI had no evidence on Jewell. He languished for three months, during which time he probably had a hard time getting a date. He finally received a statement from the Justice Department this week that he was no longer a suspect. No apology and no explanation. J. Edgar must be rolling over in his funeral gown.

Since the FBI has ruined Richard Jewell's chance at any meaningful employment or dignity in his life, they should at least have the decency to offer him a job. It seems like he'd fit right in with the overzealous, incompetent agents already there. He probably wouldn't look too good in heels, though.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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