Creep of the Week - October 19, 1996

Image: Yeltsin receiving flowers from Prime Minister Viktor Chernomyrdin

Boris Yeltsin

If you're tired of hearing about the Bozo contest for the United States presidency, be glad you don't live in Russia. They already had the election there, but you wouldn't know it by shenanigans and back-stabbing going on in the Kremlin these days. The duly elected president, Boris Yeltsin, is now in the hospital, awaiting heart surgery, and is reduced to working about 15 minutes per day. This week, he spent one of those 15-minute workathons firing his security chief, Alexander Lebed, accusing him of plotting a coup. Alexander, a scary looking thug who has the physique and demeanor of a fire hydrant, promptly said he would start campaigning to become president himself, but not while Yeltsin is alive. That ought to help Boris rest up for his surgery.

Boris managed to hide his illness from his constituents during the election by explaining away his wooden appearance and long public absences by saying he was A) tired, B) on vacation and C) busy killing Chechens. He also hired Alexander during that period, and used the former rival's popularity to help defeat the dreaded communist he was running against. All according to the rules of Russian politics, but now he's paying the price for his dishonesty. Boris thinks that Alexander is plotting against him and wants his job. Good guess. The third stooge, prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, who resembles Mikhail Gorbachev without the forehead tattoo, is ready to step into power while Boris is actually under the knife and would take over in the event that Boris should meet an early exit.

Viktor is pictured above visiting Boris in the hospital recently, bringing him flowers and checking on his condition. I was fortunate to get a hold of the secret transcripts of that meeting, including the translations:

Viktor: Comrade Boris, I come in friendship to wish you good health and present you these flowers.
(Translation: I was hoping to toss them on your coffin.)
Boris: Thank you, Comrade Viktor, you are a wonderful friend.
(Translation: I was hoping you'd bring a bottle of vodka.)
Viktor: Don't worry about things back at the shop. I have it all under control.
(Translation: Lebed is a scurrilous scumbag - better fire him.)
Boris: Nice to see you, come back soon.
(Translation: I need a drink.)

Back in the USSR in the old days, when the Communists ran things, none of this intrigue hit the light of day until after the fact. The old leader had some kind of accident or tragic disease, and the new guy took over without missing a beat. But now, it's a new day in the tundra, so the scheming is done on TV every night just like in America. Will Alexander take over the military and storm the Kremlin? Will Viktor hide a hive of killer bees in the next bouquet? Will Boris go down drinking like a real czar? Which one of them has a wife with an interest in health care? Isn't democracy wonderful?

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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