Creep of the Week - August 31, 1996

Dick Morris

"WHAT NOW?" the Democrats were crying, as the confetti and balloons were falling on their convention finale. Things were so peaceful and close to the script that you just knew something was going to screw it up. After all, we're talking about Bill Clinton here. This time, it was Dick Morris, Clinton's trusted advisor and confidant. Dick was caught by a tabloid in a year-long relationship with a prostitute with whom he had shared not only his money and hotel rooms, but also presidential phone conversations, drafts of convention speeches and military secrets like the discovery of life on Mars. He must have thought that he was Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman", but it turned out more like Hugh Grant in real life. The lady in question, Sherry Rowlands, sold her story to the press, saying that she didn't really like Dick and thought he was a jerk, an opinion apparently shared by many of his co-workers at the White House.

Dick seems to be somewhat of a prostitute himself. He sells his services to politicians without regard to their political beliefs. His past clients run the gamut from abrasive, wild-eyed liberals like Bella Abzug to reactionary, bigoted maggots like Jesse Helms.

He's only the latest in a long line of slime bags and sleaze balls that Clinton has surrounded himself with. Earlier this year, we were subjected to Craig Livingstone, the macho ex-bouncer who arrived at the White House though the Immaculate Conception and proceeded to play security man by obtaining personal FBI files illegally. Then there was Bill's main Whitewater buddy, James McDougal, a man so obviously resembling a door-to-door snake oil salesman that my first reaction to hearing about a land investment scheme from him would not be to write a check, but to take a shower. The president seems not to have learned the old Arkansas saying, "When you go swimming in the scum pond, you're gonna get some on ya."

But despite all this, Clinton seems poised to waltz to victory in the upcoming election (partly due to Dick's influence) over two pathetic opponents: Bob Dole, who has trouble constructing a comprehensible sentence on any subject, and Ross Perot, who checks under his bed every night for the "Independence Day" aliens. I suppose the fact that the voters are not interested in these "character" issues as long as they're getting a paycheck is basically a positive development, but I still want to take that shower.

As for Dick, he now joins an august bunch of rich and famous guys who've had their lives ruined by an inability to keep their pants zipped. Gary Hart, Jimmy Swaggart, Pee Wee Herman and countless others welcome the newest Dick to their Career Down the Toilet Overnight Hall of Fame.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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