Creep of the Week - August 10, 1996
I thought this whole thing was over last year when Newt Gingrich addressed the subject in his characteristic bluntness by saying "that was a sign we were alive and in graduate school in that era." Well done, Newt, I thought, now we can move on to something significant. But Newt is not one to leave well enough alone and several weeks ago made a big stink about White House spokesman Mike McCurry's comments that "of course" he had smoked "a joint from time to time" in the 70's.
The latest politician to be haunted by a previous life of crime is Susan Molinari, Congresswoman from New York and the Keynote Speaker at next week's Republican convention. She had come out of the drug closet recently with a statement about smoking marijuana in college using all the above disclaimers and the matter was dropped. But this week, a New York TV station dug up a 1992 interview in which Susan didn't offer a tap dance around the issue, but just lied about it straight out, denying that she'd ever used drugs because she wasn't interested and because they weren't available. What's her explanation now for that lapse of memory? She "panicked" when first asked the question. Hey Susan, maybe those panic attacks are a result of your "experiments" in college. And you thought drugs were harmless fun!
What is with these guys? Can they not bring themselves to admit that they broke the law or defied authority? Are they afraid to say that they actually had a wild period in their lives? Anyone who was in college during that era and not doing drugs must have been either a complete social misfit or one of those pious holier-than-thou Boy Scouts who were always running to find the dorm RA at the first whiff of weed (which was hard to do since the RA's were usually busy toking up with the rest of us). In either case, that's not someone I'd vote for, so as a public service, I'm offering, free of charge, the following statement for Susan, Bill, Newt and any other upcoming politician who's faced with this dilemma. Feel free to make this a part of the next Contract With America:
"Yes, I used drugs in the late 60's through the mid-70's. My friends and I had great times smoking dope in dorm rooms, frat rooms, class rooms, broom closets, parked cars, and our parents' basements. We'd listen to Pink Floyd at top volume, watch TV with the sound turned off, laugh about stupid stuff, discuss philosophy, and then when the munchies hit, eat junk food until dawn. One time, my roommate's cousin came in from UCLA with some LSD which caused us to trip for hours, during which time (pay attention, Christian Coalition) I spoke to both God and Charlton Heston, who told me that the pursuit of peace and love was a good way to spend some of one's youth and there's no reason to be ashamed of being young and having fun. I did it, I'm glad I did, and anyone who doesn't like it can vote for the other guy."
What will the people running for President in 2016 have to hide about their pasts? The number of body parts they had pierced? Their arrest record for mosh pit assaults? Another suggestion: We could avoid all that by electing someone from a more innocent generation which had only tobacco and alcohol to keep their mind off their studies. By that time, Bob Dole will be a hale and hearty 93!
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