Creep of the Week - July 13, 1996

Ross Perot

It was too good to be true. We had a nice quiet presidential election featuring two mediocre guys who have no ideas and inspire no passion. With the Olympics, football season and the World Series as distractions, we could have easily ignored this abomination completely, leaving it to the politicos to worry about all the illegal FBI files and tobacco industry pandering. Wake us up when it's over, may the best Negative Campaigner win! But that was not to be. This week, all hopes for a quiet election disappeared with a big twang. We were treated to the inevitable return of Ross Perot, the billionaire with the cheap haircut, the non-stop cornpone Texas mouth, maker of charts and target of murder plots.

Using his standard foil, Larry King, Ross explained how this election was "not about me", but just a matter of him providing a service to his fellow countrymen. "If they feel I am the person they want to do this job then certainly I will give them everything I have to get it done. It's pretty obvious by now I am dedicated to this country." Not to mention to his Texas-size ego. All this came just one day after Richard Lamm, the former governor of Colorado, had the audacity to announce that he was running for the nomination of the Reform Party - the party that Ross founded and which is run by people whose salaries are paid by him. Ross sounded like the only kid in the neighborhood who owns a ball and bat, offering to let everyone else use them for a game as long as he can be the pitcher: "If anybody should do this, I should. A lot of people who would want to do it ... aren't in a position to do it."

How can anyone take this guy seriously? Have we forgotten how Ross abruptly quit the 1992 race because he thought the Republicans were going to disrupt his daughter's wedding? Do we want a Commander-in-Chief who goes into a paranoid snit every time he hears a rumor of some political skullduggery? Ross's claim to fame is that he received 19% of the popular vote in 1992. Does anyone remember how many electoral votes (which is what really elect a president) he got? Zero. None. Nada. Zilch. Less than one. He spent $60 million of his own money for absolutely no votes that count. Try to calculate how much that is per vote.

Ross Perot is crazy, people. Crackers. Bonkers. Bats in the belfry. Toys in the attic. Truly gone fishing. Out to lunch. Not playing with a full deck. The lights are on but no one's home. He belongs in the outhouse, not the White House. He needs not only a straitjacket, but a muzzle, too. Take your chances on one of the other two guys. With all their faults, neither of them seems capable of seeing mirages of armed killers-for-hire running across the front lawn.

Let me know what you think at montgome@servtech.com

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