Creep of the Week - April 6, 1996

Theodore Kaczynski


I must admit that in my overactive imagination, I've always pictured the Unabomber as someone resembling one of the villains in a James Bond movie: A crafty, sophisticated, urbane guy living in a vacation bungalow with an entourage of exotic bimbos in tow. That police sketch of him they've been displaying for years shows a guy who's the epitome of cool, smiling quietly to himself as he keeps the nation at bay, forcing an entire generation of university professors and business executives to sweat like pigs any time the morning mail contained a package.

Imagine my disillusionment this week when the Unabomber was revealed to be a grungy, scruffy, social misfit living a hermit's life in a Montana cabin without electricity or running water. Ted was a promising mathematics professor in the 60's but dropped out one day, evidently to spend his life railing against technology and the inhumanity of modern society. He's expressed his own humaneness since then by killing three people and injuring 23 with a series of intricately made mail bombs.

(Side note - It's now obvious that Montana is rapidly becoming a refuge for undesirable slimebags. Maybe we should build an electric fence around the state and let these guys shoot, bomb, kidnap and inbreed with each other all night long.)

The really ironic part of this sad episode is that Ted eventually got caught not by the finesse of the FBI, but because he was turned in by his own family. For all these years, Ted has been expending his time and energy killing and maiming complete strangers when his real enemies were back at the old homestead the whole time. A warning to all caterers, banquet hosts, and picnic area reservation takers: Do not accept a package mailed to the next Kaczynski family reunion!


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