John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

The 2001 Creep of the Year! Osama bin Laden

Once again, the Creep voters have spoken. Selecting Osama bin Laden as the 2001 Creep of the Year is no great creative stretch, you say? By no means was he an easy winner. This year's voting was a horse race. Actually, to be completely accurate, it was a horse's ass race. Osama just barely beat the number two Creep, John Ashcroft. And why not? They're both self-righteous, religiously twisted fanatics who want to destroy American democracy and seek revenge against those who don't believe the same stinking rubbish they do. We ought to throw them both into an Afghanistan cave (along with a camel for those cold, lonely nights), seal the entrance and let them fight it out.

Here are the top vote getters in the 2001 Creep of the Year balloting. Also included (in rainbowcolors) are some of the more crude, witty and shamelessly tasteless comments received from the Creep voters. Thanks to everyone who contributed and to all the Creep of the Week readers without whom this web site would be merely an exercise in self-flagellation.

 
#1 Osama bin Laden
The Head of Evil Doings: Terrorist attacks, cheap videos and a beard full of camel's hair. Here's what you had to say about the 2001 Creep of the Year:
• Call him "the beast" with the number 666 "the antichrist". The first "6" stands for the number of baths he takes in one year. The second "6" represents his wives (5 human + his favorite camel). The third "6" represents how many times he will be "gang-banged" in hell every day by his fellow terrorists, who are waiting there desperately for him to arrive, because he had promised them that they will go to heaven for their "Jihad", instead they ended up at another destination.
• Osama dead or alive for creep of the century.
• After the US Army captures Osama Bin Laden, we should put him in a tiny cage at Ground Zero.   Everyone will have a chance to spit on this rat.
• This cockroach thinks that the World Trade center attacks is funny.  He won't be laughing when the US Army bombs his home.
• Unfortunately, calling the dude a creep may be way too forgiving for what I really think of him.  He went beyond creepy.
• My vote has to go to that shit stain, Osama Bin Laden.  The things that he does in the name of religion continue to amaze me.  Plus, September 11th is my birthday and that REALLY pissed me off!!
• These wacked-out fanatical anti-Semitic nut-jobs took on the world's only remaining superpower with box-cutters and tried to hide in caves after they killed 4,000 Americans and brought down the World Trade Center AND bombed the Pentagon.  What in Allah's name did they think would happen?  That the collective "we" (275 million Americans) would throw up our hands, get on our knees, and point our asses away from Mecca and submit to their crazy scheme to rule the world? As New Yawkers, would say:  FUHGETABOUTIT!
• Listen, Osama and fanatical Muslims everywhere:  We've seen your kind before, in 1939-1945.  Two items for your consideration:  Back then, pilots under the mind-control of a religious emperor rammed their planes into America, killed 2,500 of our people -- and ended up getting their unfortunate fellow citizens NUKED.  Then too, a fanatical anti-Semitic nut-job with glassy eyes tried to blame the Jews for various problems -- maybe he was jealous of their financial savvy, maybe it was the fact that he had a small penis -- and HE ended up shooting himself in the head in a cave (of sorts). See any parallels, Osama??  I don't believe there's a proper Arabic translation for it, but America's response has been, and will continue to be, BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!!!!  F*** with us, and YOU WILL DIE.


#2 John Ashcroft
Here is what John had to say about the Creep of the Year vote: "To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: your tactics only aid terrorists." He wants names and email addresses.

• Takes sleaze to a whole new dimension by using 9/11 to push his political/religious agenda.  It's the agenda he wanted to push all along but he's too gutless to admit it.  Overall, I'd rate murdering the Constitution as a vastly greater crime than murdering individuals.
• I pick John Ashcroft for his stand on assisted suicide.  Hope his family sentences him to all of modern medicine's torture therapies, including, but not limited to; nasogastric feeding tube, ventilator, Foley catheter, Triple lumen IV or PICC catheters, manual rectal disimpaction and various painful remedies for bedsores and pressure areas while his limbs atrophy and he suffers from severe muscle spasms and other severe pains.  All of this while he is unable to communicate his needs, but remains aware of his situation and knows that he is spiritually, emotionally and financially bankrupting his family.
• John Ashcroft said that his critics are traitors.  Silly me!  I thought that we live in America not the Taliban Afghanistan or Communist China.  I thought we had something called Freedom of Speech.  Next, this fascist wants everybody to wear matching uniforms and salute him by "Heil Ashcroft."
• This idiot would have us goose-stepping faster than you can thump a Bible. And instead of concentrating on those creeps in Afghanistan, he's spending his time harassing terminally ill folks.
• This Nazi does not have a problem in violating immigrant's civil rights.  But he won't check their gun purchases.  I guess he rewrites the rules when it suits the NRA's interests.


#3 George W Bush
Last year's winner goes down a few notches, but he's still a fan favorite.

• Let me count the ways in no specific order: A) 3000+ Americans dead, two 110-story buildings turned into a heap of rubble, tens of thousands made jobless, and $ billions in losses because he ignored numerous warnings of an impending terrorist attack. B) His "anti-terror" legislation, and his blatant disregard for the Constitution. C) His executive order that will cover up the contents of Ronald Reagan's presidential papers. D) His squandering of the surplus to pay for tax cuts for the wealthy. E) His phony "energy crisis". F) His multi-billion dollar handout to the airlines and other wealthy corporations. G) His Chicken Run of Sept. 11th, the closing of the  "People's House" to the People, and other cowardly acts. H) His using the terror attacks as an excuse to try to ramrod through measures for drilling in ANWR and other controversial legislation. I) His taking credit for the airport security bill that he opposed, but was forced to sign. J) That month-long vacation after only 6 months on the job. K) "I don't have anthrax.  I'm confident that when I come to work tomorrow, I'll be safe." -- but to hell with the rest of y'all. L) That non-apology apology for the spy plane incident. M) Recession, recession, recession.  Oh, I forgot.  We're coming out of it already, so he tells us. N) Hopping into bed with a former KGB agent, and "looking deep into his soul."  Blech! O) The "Bill Clinton vandalized the White House and looted Air Force One" lie. P) His stem cell research policy.
• George is way too popular to be reasonably called a creep right now.  (Think that will keep Carnivore out of my ISP?)
• Pres. Dumbo is not a compassionate conservative.   He cut stem cell research funding, limits our civil rights, and give tax cuts to big corporations. Recently, Dubya and his party has stalled in giving $20 billion aid to New York City.   It that a compassionate politician?  I don't think so.
• He isn't any brighter now than when he stole the election.  He's an embarrassment to all Americans, and some who are not.
• He got the country when it still had single-digit unemployment, a Constitution, and a World Trade Center. Eleven months (almost half of which was spent on vacation) later, we're being told that he's brave enough to take another vacation now that World War III is well underway. I can't totally begrudge him that; I just wish he'd spend the next 3 years or so on hiatus, and let us muddle through getting America running again without his interference.


#4 The 911 Terrorists
The good news: They're all dead. The better news: They've given up looking for the 77 virgins and are starting in on each other.

• Worse than animals.  These 911 losers used Islam to justify their heinous acts.   Many families have been destroyed because of them. I hope that these creeps will enjoy their time in hell.
• I can't think of anything witty to say as to why these guys get my vote. Words cannot describe their creepiness.  They are so sinister.


#5 Gary Condit
Gary went from anonymous porking politician to pariah poster boy overnight. He deserves votes on the basis of that hair alone!

• Just lookin' at him makes my skin crawl.
• I can't leave out Mr. blow-dry Gary Condit. His smirks are as bad as Patsy Ramsey's. Even worse, he is trying to run for office again. What a creep!


#6 John Walker Lindh
Yesterday an American. Today a Taliban fighter. Tomorrow, and for the next 40 years, somebody's bitch.

• This rat had a good life.  Caring parents, nice schools, and etc.   Walker throws all this away for a coward hiding in a cave.  I have no sympathy for him.


#7 Timothy McVeigh
Think he got the 77 virgins deal, too?

• A pathetic loser who is the poster child for the death penalty.  He is a sick and arrogant man.


#8 Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson
God's messengers? More likely God's mess.

• Both of these men are the American version of the Taliban.  They hate women, gays, and freedom of speech.  And worst of all, these creeps used our recent tragedy to further their hateful goals.  How can anybody support these losers?


#9 Rudy Giuliani
911 made him look good. Everything else makes him look bad.

• I was caught in the "I love Rudy" celebration.   But I am over it. Lately, I am sick of seeing him spend more time with his bimbo than his own children. Or trying to used the taxpayer's monies to build his stadium.   He should be ashamed of himself.
• This guy is such a piece of work, even his poor DOG keeps running away from him! The poor pup is often found lurking around the local dog run, hoping a kind Samaritan will take pity and adopt him.


#10 Robert Noel and Marjorie Knoller
They bring whole new meaning to the expression "animal lovers".

• Not only are this couple bigoted, ignorant, ugly and deeply loathsome, they also have the weirdest sense of "Family Values" I have ever had the misfortune to read about.  I hope (and I bet) that this loathsome twosome garner loads of votes from your Bay Area readership.

Dishonorable Mention:

• John and Patsy Ramsey
Their MAIN ACHIEVEMENT FOR 2002 was:  Faking yet another home intrusion.  This time, in February 2001, John seems to have concocted up a wild story about a well-dressed, light-skinned, soft-spoken African-American man (who has come to be known as "Hyphen Man") who broke into the Ramseys' Atlanta home in broad daylight.

The elaborate security system was set to "Off" -- again!  (DOH!)  The "intruder" wandered around in the home aimlessly for a while, encountered John returning from a world record 10-minute round trip to Home Depot, and John shadow-boxed with the guy for a while. Somehow poor John ended up being tossed in a bathroom by the "intruder" who TIED THE DOOR SHUT WITH A JACKET (OR WAS IT A ROPE?).  John -- momentarily forgetting that bathroom doors open INWARD -- stayed in the bathroom for a while, presumably reading a copy of "Intruders Monthly", and then realized he could just walk out of said bathroom.

He calls 911, and within two minutes 20-25 police cars arrive, but yet another Ramsey intruder vanishes into thin air, and promptly retires from the home intrusion business after making their last stop at a Ramsey mansion which has an unused security system.

Meanwhile, Patsy arrives on the scene after-the-fact, does her best Blanche DuBois/Scarlett O'Hara imitation (this after all is Atlanta), fans herself, announces to the assembled media "Oh Lad, I shore do feel faint" and demands a mint julep from the police officers.

Next day, John goes down to the cop station to -- get this -- COOPERATE WITH THE AUTHORITIES!  DOH!  What a concept, but 5 years too late!  They humor him, a sketch artist comes up with a funny cartoon which becomes known as SketchMan #2 and apparently is created for the sole purpose of keeping the original Ramsey psychic-drawn SketchMan #1 company, and the case promptly goes into yet another "unsolved Ramsey home intrusion" file.

The only question is:  What will they come up with in 2002??  Will Patsy play the title role in "The Delta Burke Story"?  Will John Ramsey play the title role in "The Dick Cheney Story"?  Will they both play themselves in a Broadway musical based on their lives?  Will they EVER confess?
 
 

• The Post-911 Flag-Wavers
They plaster flags all over everything from the cover of baby magazines to motor vehicles - all in an effort to prove that they're REAL Ah-murkins! They come in a variety of flavors (Red, White and Blue) and I have a few suggestions for each.

To all those fine patriotic business-folk who want *us* to prove *our* patriotism and stimulate the economy by buying something, I say: "Stimulate THIS!  If you want to give the already-lousy-before-the-towelheads-did-their-deed economy a boost, how about dropping prices AND lowering interest rates to ZERO for two years, hmmmm?"

To all those idjits with flags LITERALLY falling off their SUVs and pickup trucks, I say: "Learn how to drive!  That long thing sticking off your steering wheel is a 'Turn-Signal Lever' not a place to hang yer dad-gum pine-tree-shaped air freshener!"

To all the parents who put over-priced, designer-label, flag-festooned duds on their li'l darlin's, I say: "How 'bout raising a generation of REAL Americans who are kind, considerate, compassionate, generous and tolerant - even RELIGIOUSLY tolerant of such 'dangerous elements' as Muslims, Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses?"

When we can invite someone into our homes and lives and CELEBRATE our differences and truly enjoy each other than we, as REAL PATRIOTS and CHAMPIONS of the AMERICAN WAY, have won the War.

Until then, git yer flag outta my face!

• Heather Mercer and Dayna Curry
• The "we don't care if they are put to death after we convert them to Christianity because they will know JAYSUS" twins
• These two media whores couldn't care less about helping the poor Afghans. I don't buy their story that they want to bring the word of God to the Muslim people.  Both of these women are only interested in making an appearance on Hollywood Squares.

• The Big Three Religions and their fanatical extensions
• Nothing promises so much, delivers so little, and kills so many.
• Can't we just vote for *all* the religious wing-nuts that have qualified for Creep of the Week? There are so many of them....

• Robert Hanssen
• This Russian Spy reminds me of Claude Frollo from Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame. Both of them are phony Christians with no morals.   One tried to burn an innocent girl.  The other guy stabs his country and family in the back.

• The Pro-Life Freaks
• In their crusade to end abortion, these control freaks have stop funding for important stem cell research.  This research could have helped thousands of sick Americans. These people couldn't care less about human suffering. They make me sick!

• Tom Green
• A big leech.  Mouse boy married Drew Barrymore so he can further his own career.   When his movie career bombed,  Tom dumped her. Now, he can join the ranks of Gwyneth Paltrow, Anne Heche, and other parasites in Hollywood.

• Mohammed Atta
• He looks pure evil. And his statements about women are sickening. Anyone who can talk about their mother like that are creeps.