John Montgomery  Presents This Week's Creep Logo by Lynn Kauczka

Osama bin Laden Evil Doer Slumber Fest

We already knew Osama bin Laden was a dangerous religious extremist. It's been obvious from the start that he's a pious dickwad as well as a cowardly rabble-rouser who stirs up his lemming-like troops into suicidal frenzies while he hides out in his comfortable stone cave humping camels. And we established beyond a reasonable doubt that he's a flaming fudge packer. But did you have any idea how much of a obnoxious, overbearing pain in the ass he is?

Once more, the real Osama comes through loud and clear courtesy of a homemade video of he and a few of his bearded buds sitting around telling war stories. The video is now known as the smoking gun because Osama nonchalantly recounts everything about the 911 attacks and his knowledge of them.

• He had calculated the number of casualties ahead of time based on his experience in construction and thought only the top floors of the World Trade Center would collapse. Sounds like he's been away from the construction business for a while.
• He listened to the whole thing play out on the radio and when his brothers cheered at the news of the first plane hitting the WTC, he told them to hold on to their towels, the best was yet to come.
• Muhammad Atta from Al Qa'ida was in charge of the group.
• The rest of the hijackers didn't know their fate until just before they boarded the planes.

• "When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse. This is only one goal; those who want people to worship the lord of the people, without following that doctrine, will be following the doctrine of Muhammad, peace be upon him.
• "I witness that against the sharp blade they always faced difficulties and stood together... When the darkness comes upon us and we are bit by a Sharp tooth, I say... 'Our homes are flooded with blood and the tyrant is freely wandering in our homes.'"
• "I was ordered to fight the people until they say there is no god but Allah, and his prophet Muhammad."

Do these bung-holers thank Allah for everything? In the back of the cave, would you expect to hear, "Thanks be to Allah that I pinched the loaf so cleanly without discomfort or undue odor!" or "Khalid the Camel has such soft, round hairy balls and shows much pleasure when I mount him! Allah be praised and his holy prophet Muhammad, too!"

Let's face it. These are guys who you wouldn't let eat at your lunch table in the high school cafeteria.

Of course, not everyone is convinced. Osama's defenders will tell you that the tape is a fake. The CIA dubbed in the dialog at Dick Cheney's undisclosed location. The drunken Bush twins can be heard laughing in the background. John Ashcroft cooked it up in his pornographic film studio.

The non-believers simply can't bring themselves to admit that their boy is not only an evil doer, he's a damn dull one. But we still better search Ashcroft for that porno lab. He sure looks like he's got something to hide.